Karaoke-dokie!

I have been experiencing some major writers block, maybe in part due to the fact so much has gone on since my last post that I don't know where to begin. I left off last telling you all that I have a food addiction, and that realization still rings true, not that I've made any progress in kicking my habit. The problem is you can't just give up food cold turkey (mmm turkey), we have to eat for energy and the nutrients we get out of our food. So unlike other addicts who must stay away from their "drug" completely, I am forced to think about and take my drug everyday.So I am attempting to break it down to which foods are my personal poison, and cut them out completely. One of my major set backs is night time snacking, when the kids are asleep, and I get to kick back my mind starts wandering to snacks. So what is my game plan? Unfortunately at this time of the year not much, but in the new year (putting it off yet again, I know), I am going to change my habits completely. Just like someone trying to quit smoking, there are times when I just eat because it goes good with what I'm doing, so if my routine changes, hopefully so will my eating out of habit.

I did not lose any weight before MJB's Christmas party. But the outfit I bought myself was flattering, and my friend did my hair and makeup (because I am all thumbs in those departments), and I felt good, for the first time in a long time. So it is possible! I didn't think about my weight or looking fat once! There was a lot of drinking, some dancing, molesting a dancing Santa decoration (made the naughty list for sure), and karaoke, o boy was there some karaoke! I can't sing all that well, but I do sing with emotion, and I enjoy myself, so if my voice cracks a few times, or I look like a mule trying to eat an apple through a fence, I don't mind, because it's fun.

We are slowly finishing off our Christmas shopping, with only a few more things to buy, and with 9 days to go I feel like we are in pretty good shape. I am not going anywhere for anything this Christmas Eve! That's just mental suicide. I have pathetically wrapped most of the gifts and stuffed them lovingly under our tree (which is our best tree yet in my humble opinion, got it at RONA for $19.99 for those of you looking for a tree!) I really am the worst gift wrapper ever, but I figure they just get ripped into anyway, right? So it looks and smells like Christmas inside, now we just need a good dump of snow to make the outside look just as festive!

Might as well face it I'm Addicted to Food.

I had a life changing epiphany this morning. I DO have will power, I just ignore it. I always know what I should or should not be doing, there is a little voice in my head that says you should have the salad and not the double bacon cheeseburger with super sized fries, and a large root beer. I just look that voice straight in the eye and say screw you, I'm gonna eat what I want. The thing is what I want, more than anything right now, is to lose weight. I don't want food to have a hold of me. Hopefully now that I am aware of that voice being there FOR me, not against me. I need to listen to that voice and not let my saboteur self eff things up. I have to learn to say NO. My goal for the next few days is to really listen to my will power, let it take control. I am an addict. My drug of choice is food. It has more control over me than I'd like to admit. But here I am, doing just that.

My name is Shaunna, and for as long as I can remember I have been addicted to food.

Quality Conrtrol = Control Top Panty Hose...

The dreaded Christmas party season is upon us, and I haven't lost an ounce. In fact, to be brutally and regrettably honest, I am up a couple pounds as of this morning. I did do some Christmas baking, and have been diligent in sampling (for quality assurance purposes of course) the products. My guess is that and all the wine are to blame. So I am putting my photo update off until Dec 10th, the day before my husbands staff party. I have 8 days to get down and dirty about this, I can do anything for 8 days. I started an Acai berry cleanse a while back, and ditched on it, you just eat clean and healthy and take 4 of the pills after each meal, so it's time to dust off the bottle and get back onto a plan. Breakfast this morning is 1/2 and avocado, a few almonds, and a huge mandarin orange followed by a mammoth glass of water and 4 Nature's Plus Whole Food Total Body Cleanse with Acai and Exotic Superfruits capsules (that's a mouthful of a name). For lunch...a spinach salad with hard boiled egg, veggies and balsamic dressing. And for dinner a basa fillet with brown rice and veggies... If I can just keep my chubby mitts of the Christmas treats I might be alright today! One day at a time, that's all I can do.

I love writing and having this blog, but I still feel the need to find a hobby or an outlet beyond an online diary. I need a passion, something I can call my own, and pour all my creative energy into. I made Christmas cards using the professional photos we had taken, and used the free photo editing program Piknik, and went to town using the effects, and stickers, and text options that were free, and I loved just playing around, creating. I would love a pottery wheel, I have always wanted one, ever since grade 9 art class. Unfortunately I have no where to set one up. Maybe a pottery class would be a good place to start, see if I still like it as much as I did when I was 14. Then one day when we have a garage I can set up a little pottery corner and go to town on some clay. Until then must find something to satisfy my need for creating.

I wrote on my blog yesterday about my children's school Christmas play, and how I felt that it leaned a little too close to the religious side. A very slippery slope in my eyes. I am over it now that I have vented, I will be going to the showing of it tonight (which I never intended not to), and I will take from it what I did yesterday, all the bright eyed smiling kids, enjoying performing for their loved ones, taking pride in all their hard work. I hope I didn't offend anyone, that was not my intention, but unfortunately when it comes to religion that often happens, I am proud of who I am and not ashamed to admit I believe differently than most. In the end Christmas to me is about coming together as a family, a community, and as human beings to be joyful, share love, laughter, and kindness. Remembering we are all the same no matter where we come from, what we believe, or where we fit in on the class scale. Christmas is a feeling, not a possession. It belongs to everyone who wishes to feel it.

Little Baby Bunting...Daddy's Gone A Hunting.

You wouldn't believe me if I wrote it, but a picture is worth a thousand words...my cupboards are clean and organized! 

I just want to revel in that for a moment...ahhh.....

Man does it feel good! We got rid of a full garbage bag worth of junk in the process. I need to tackle the kids toys soon, Christmas is coming, and every year we go through and get rid of all the broken toys, and donate the one's that are still in good shape but the kids are tired of. Plus with Mr.Puppy in our future the less clutter for him to chew on, the better!

I also went and paid for air to blow up my tire, it seemed to be getting worse, and I put it off long enough... I put in my loonie, while I waited for the compressor to start up, I noticed a little sticker on the machine, that said "HST Included", are you efff ennn kidding me with this? The government is taxing us on pressurized air? Don't mistake my disgust for this particular air pump tax for me being against HST though, I really don't see what the big deal is. It's just GST and PST combined, and it's now on a few more things than it was previously. Like haircuts and dining out, so unless you have the money to go out and do these extras more often, you really aren't being taxed that much more. Wouldn't a person rather we are taxed more on what we buy and less on our income? I think that's the best way to approach it. I understand and feel the frustration of being blindsided by a government who said they'd do one thing and then did another. Po"lie"tics at it's finest. Regardless...I think taxing us for the air in our tires is a bit extreme....or maybe I am just pissed that I had to stand in the cold for 5 minutes filling up my tires, and I forgot to wear gloves?

MJB is going away for a hunting trip this weekend. So it will just be Spaceman, Hunny, I, since it's not our weekend with Roonie. It sucks when MJB or I have some out of town trip planned and we have Roonie, then whoever is gone misses out on a big chunk of time with her. It's nice when it works out to be on a weekend where we don't have her, like this one. MJB hasn't shot anything this year, so this is his last ditch effort to bag a White Tail before the season ends on Tuesday. I never used to eat wild game meat, I felt like wild animals were too majestic, like I wouldn't eat a horse or an eagle, but I'll eat a cow or a chicken. The logic behind that is so backwards, an animal is an animal, meat is meat. We are just conditioned to be okay with eating farmed animals. If it weren't for the taste and texture of meat, I could easily be a vegetarian. I am cool with hunting and eating game meat now. I see how well it is regulated, how respectful MJB and his hunting pals are of the animals and their habitat. MJB is trying to learn to tan the hides now, and he uses the antlers to make handles for the knives he makes. (oh ya, he's a real back woods version of Martha Stewart) We really do try to use as much of the animal as we can. Not to mention the health benefits of eating wild, I know where our meat comes from, what it ate, and how it was cleaned and butchered, I can't say that about most grocery store meats. So for our empty freezer sake, I hope he bags a big one this weekend, and has fun on his weekend away.

An AIR Fare?

You know it's going to be "one of those days", when you drop the old coffee filter full of wet coffee grounds on your floor in the morning. I don't know how many times this has happened to me. You think I would learn, and come up with a strategy of getting the filter to the trash without any mishaps (because it's not brain surgery) . It's cold out, my house is in post weekend disaster mode, I'm just miserable as it is. To top it all off with a nice little cherry, my rear left tire was almost on the ground driving the kids to school this morning, and when I went to get air, I realized that they have decided to start charging for air (are you kidding me??), my kingdom for a loonie! I hadn't even looked in the mirror before leaving the house to take the kids to school, and when I looked in the rear view to see if I was presentable enough to go exchange my nickels, dimes, and quarters for a loonie, I saw a haggard version of myself, mascara rings under my eyes, hair all a tizzy. I wasn't going in anywhere for anything. So I drove home. I'll pump it up with a bike pump. $1 for air. Eff that.

Now that I've got that out of my system it's time to change the tone of my day. I have so much I want to get done, and nothing good will come of it if I keep this attitude up. Sheer disaster will ensue. So coffee in hand I vent it out in my blog, leave it here and move forward.

We went to see some beautiful boxer puppies yesterday. I didn't think I was ready for a dog until spring, but MJB set up the viewing with his work friend (who owns the pups), and seems really gung-ho about getting a dog. This coming from a man who never wanted any dogs. I mean he loved Vyce, our first dog, but after some warming up to her. I know somewhere deep down he loves dogs because I found an old grade school project of his, where he said he loved animals and wanted to be a veterinarian, with a very cute picture of him with their dog (who was also a boxer). So "Mr. I don't even like dogs", I see right through you. Regardless, we both agreed on a pup, I think he is just as excited as I am. They aren't available until just after Christmas, which is a good thing, but I am terribly impatient. Thankfully though, I have 4 weeks to puppy proof the house. I'm going to need at least that!

I am going no where fast on my weight loss journey. I have managed to maintain my loss so far, but haven't got that needle to move any more to the left. So it's time to change up the game plan, Christmas is way too close for comfort, not to mention my picture up date is in 9 days, and I would love to notice a difference. Scratch that, need to notice a difference. I can't be too optimistic without exercising yet. Weight loss is a simple combination of taking in less and burning more calories. Why is something so simple, SO hard to execute. Anyone know where I can buy a big bottle of will power?

You know those cupboards and closets I talked about cleaning oh so long ago? They are getting overhauled today, come hell or high water. When my house is clean and orderly I feel fresher, lighter, and at peace. As opposed to the way I feel when it is not. I am moody, I feel claustrophobic, and lost. So with Christmas, and a new puppy on the way it's a perfect time to pull up my socks and find that balance and peace, because I think I am going to need it!

Hurts so Good!

I have discovered a set of muscles down the backs of my legs that haven't been in use since I was 13, just goes to show how out of shape I really am when after a few hours of harvesting wood I end up feeling like my muscles are on fire with every step. That being said, what a great feeling to use those muscles, to be out in the fresh air working up a sweat. I understand how people become addicted to that feeling. Where I fall short is in the execution, I love the idea of a hour long walk with my ipod blaring my favorite music in my ears, the feeling of my heart pumping, and muscles working. I just need to make the time to do it. No time is the perfect time, there is always something else that needs to be done, so I should just set everything else aside for a moment, and just go.

I have been putting more thought into what it is I want to do with my life once Hunny goes to school, and I have no kids at home during the day anymore. Health care is a big contender, but the potential hours are a bit of a deterrent for me. Legal assistant is another way I might like to go, and if I really want to get down an dirty and go to school for a few years I could see myself in a social work type position. If I really sit down and get it figured out I can start taking some relevant courses from home, or even part time in the evenings. Something to start me out, get this old brain really thinking again. It will be so great to have a dual income, and a career outside of the house, as much as I'll miss my babies. I just need to stop being so wishy washy, and set some real goals where my career after stay-at-home motherhood is concerned.

We had a "holiday" get together with my Grandma last night, because she is going to Arizona for the winter, so we won't see her for Christmas. We ate KFC (kinda like a turkey dinner right?), gave Grandma her gifts and watched old home videos. My Grandpa passed away a year and a half ago, it was sudden, unexpected and I felt so helpless and angry. I do not like the feeling of losing a loved one. It makes you ache in places you didn't know existed. The pain of knowing all the moments and memories he will not share with us. I was so sure my kids would know their Great Grandparents for a long time. I believe energy can not be created or destroyed, only changed. So for me he's still a part of this world, only in a form I can't see or touch, but every now and then, in my heart, I feel him. Religion and belief in an afterlife is such a touchy subject, and way to heavy for my lighthearted blog, it's just so personal and individual. The reason I bring it up at all is that there was a clip of my Grandpa video taping where he said to me "love you Shaun" on the video...I felt like he was right there in the room, and I accepted that feeling with all my heart, and said back to him "love you too Grandpa".

Back to my housework, and shakin' it to Florence and the Machine with Hunny Buns. What would I do without good music?

Remember to Remember.

After a whirlwind of a weekend I am really looking forward to our short week. Being that the reason for the short week is Remembrance Day I am keeping in mind the reason for this particular holiday carries with it a responsibility to do just that, remember. It is a privilege to be Canadian, and to live under it's umbrella of freedom, and opportunity. So while I am grateful for the shorter week, I am ultimately grateful to those who surrendered their prime years over to fighting a war for not only their families, and country, but for every family that will ever call themselves Canadian. We owe them a place in our hearts, I know they have one in mine. I am grateful.

I am still holding at 180lbs, I have stuck to my healthier eating for the most part I have had a few more "cheats" over the last week. I have to cut that out if I want this weight loss to keep ticking along. I guess it wouldn't hurt to start exercising. Got the eating less happening, just gotta work on moving more. I've also incorporated a few more carbs back into my diet, which I might need to cut back out for a while. It is so hard for this bread, pasta, and potato junkie. But it really helps move things along when I steer clear of them. What do I want more, a big bowl of noodles smothered in sauce, with garlic bread, and scalloped potatoes on the side...or to look good naked? As much as I love me some potatoes, I'll take the latter.

We have to get serious about Christmas around here. I do not want to be rushing around last minute (like every other year). I thought of doing the bulk of our shopping online, that way I can shop from the comfort of my own home, and get some unique gifts for friends and family. I love Christmas, the smells, the sounds, the food (oh, the food!), and the good times with all the people I love. I bought some apples and cinnamon air fresheners, and that smell alone is getting me excited for the season! I can't wait for Christmas parties, rum and egg nog, Christmas carols, the look on the kids faces as gifts come out and go under the tree. So as much as I hate to see Christmas spattered all over the place already, I can't wait for it to come! Fa la la la la la la la laaaaa!

The Animals Have No Money.

Apparently I have a self proclaimed vegetarian on my hands. Hunny has decided she no longer wants to eat meat. We have had flashes of this in the past, with chicken being the main meat that turned her off, I think because it's called chicken, so she instantly thinks of the bird. I asked her why she didn't want to eat any meat, and she said "because the animals are poor". I don't think she means the animals have no money, but that she feels bad for the poor animals. Otherwise I could just tell her the steak we are eating comes from a rich cow! So I will not force her to eat meat, but I won't cater to it either. So like when she asks for salami (not knowing that it's pork), I will just give it to her. I do suppose I need to supplement her diet with iron rich foods, so I have been looking at ways to ensure she gets enough protein and iron, and whatever else it is that we get from eating meat that she won't.

Spaceman has had me stressed to the max these days. I have been up and down, all over the place, trying to figure a way to curb his impulsiveness. He just doesn't put the cause and effect together. He acts long before he thinks about the effect of his actions, and only realizes he's doing wrong once he's being punished. Then in no time he's right back at it, everything goes in one ear and out the other. I have been looking online for positive ways to help him understand and co-operate, and I've found so many instances where mothers are explaining exactly the same thing, like they are describing my son to a tee. In most cases they say it will change as they mature, which I already know, and that it is just a learning process. In the mean time, I will try to help along the learning, by positive reinforcement. If he has more good days than bad days during the week, I'll take him on a Mom and Spaceman date, have a treat and a hot chocolate or something. MJB tells me I'm over thinking it, that he's just a kid, and that he was like that when he was young too. (Ah ha! So it's all his fault!)  Like I've said before, he's so sweet, creative, and funny, I just want everyone to see that side of him. Not the impulsive boy who seems to disregard all the rules and ignore everything he's told to do. I really think he just can't help himself, and that self control will develop all in good time.

This weekend we have Roonie, it's so great when she's here, like our family is whole. It's just not the same around here without her. The other day Hunny went into Roonie's room to listen to her CD player and color at her desk because she missed her. I can't wait to see what the kids are like when they are older, I hope they are all close. I think family traditions and special moments foster those close bonds, and the more time we spend together the better. I know in a few years they won't want to hang out with Mom and Dad, so now is our chance. We are toying with the idea of going camping next weekend. Yes, mid November camping in the mountains. It may be crazy, but might be a fun adventure too. Camping has got to be our most favorite thing to do, I am ready for summer already and winter hasn't even gotten here yet! So while I know (almost certainly) that it will end in disaster, I am excited about the idea of fall camping. Hot drinks around a crackling fire, s'mores, and chilly morning hikes around the lake, that's my idea of heaven on earth. (If it plays out the way I imagine it in my head!) If nothing else, though, it might make for an interesting blog entry the Monday morning after!

Shaunna, Version 1.8.0

Yesterday was Halloween, Hunny woke up and wanted to get into full costume before I even got breakfast on the table! My little girl sure loves to dress up! We carved our pumpkin, got dressed, and headed to the mall for a Halloween Spooktacular, more like a Spook-mediocre, but the kids got a loot bag and we had a good laugh when they freaked out going through the haunted house, so I guess it was worth it. MJB might not agree, he looks at me and he says, "$14 dollars, for this, on a day that neighbours hand candy out for free?". Whatever, at least it was warm! The rest of Trick-or-Treating was fun, it's the first year Hunny wasn't begging to be carried to every door, just the last 20 minutes before home, MJB and I took turns, but I still feel it this morning. Maybe it was the 20lbs of candy we had to tote as well? We watched a great home made fireworks show at the kids school, (it is not illegal to watch illegal fire works displays) I do wonder how a couple of regular Joe's can put on almost just as good a show as the City does for Canada Day?! The kids loved it, and in turn so did we. (Then again maybe it was the cup full of wine we lugged around for the walk?)

I have almost lost a full 10 lbs since starting on my newest weight loss journey. I am moving into the 3rd week and really need to find some new foods and recipes to keep this interesting. I slipped a bit this weekend so I have to be really, really good this week. Maybe even exercise a little. Ugh. I have posted a photo of the Nov 1st, version of me (Version 1.8.0, lbs that is). If it isn't motivation, I don't know what is! It`s amazing how clothes make such a difference. Watch for Dec 1st's version, (should be a smaller file size, more compact, and efficient)!

I just can't seem to get a handle on the house, keeping it tidy for longer than a few hours seems nearly impossible. I have never been a clean freak, I have gotten a lot better over the years, but have yet to find my recipe for success. I have to figure out a way to organize myself so that things are getting done as a result of habit not necessity. I am by no means not doing anything all day long, I'm just not a very efficient cleaner, and I break things. A couple of days ago I tossed a t-shirt down the stairs, knocked the light hanging above the entry way , it broke, fell to the stairs bellow, and smashed into a million tiny pieces. Just what I needed, another mess to clean!! One of these days I'll figure something out that works, either that or A and E comes in to film an episode or Hoarders....

Laughing with Friends = Couples Therapy.

Some hellish virus has entered my system and left me feeling terrible, none the less I am holding true to my new healthier eating plan. I am proud to announce a 7lb weight loss so far, with hardly a cheat or a slip up to report. I think putting my progress out there,(and the person who stares back at me from the mirror who does not at all reflect the person I am inside), is keeping me motivated. Whatever it is I hope I don't lose it, because after all these years I'd love to love my body. I am going to take some before shots and post them here on my blog. Then in a few months time I'll take new ones and post them, and hopefully there will be some "changes" to see.

I have been trying my darnedest to keep the house tidy, but try as I may "something(s)" always comes along and messes it up behind me. I mean I could build a mountain out of the stuff I sweep of the floor every week! The points chart has been working well with the kids, and while they are still my mess monsters, they are trying a little harder to help out. What more can I ask for I suppose? They're kids, and at the end of the day when I kiss their sleeping faces, I love and appreciate everything about them. The messy, the noisy, with potatoes in their ears and all.

MJB and I had a fun night out on Saturday at an early Halloween party (without the kids), and I can't believe he stayed out past 11 o'clock! He likes to get a good nights sleep, and I don't blame him, but in the moment I usually choose more fun and festivities over sleep. Then MJB goes home without me, and I dance the night away. This night though, we went home at the same time, not too early and not too late for either of us. We need more nights like that, and fall is the perfect time for fun nights in with good friends. Those little things bring MJB and I closer together, seems like laughing with friends is like therapy for our relationship.

Bliar, Bliar Pants on Fire!

I read my last blog entry to MJB, he laughed at all the things I wrote about intending to do,and then didn't do them. Then he called me a "bliar", (definition: one who says they are going to do something in a blog entry, and in real life does not). So in an effort to curb my "blying", I will try to only write of things I have done, and not of the things I plan to do.

Over the last 2 days I have cut out sugar, cut way back on carbs and portion sizes, and limited my snacks between meals. I am drinking plenty of water, and not snacking at night (my worst habit by far). I have walked a few times, but mostly just taking the kids to school. I did not go to broom ball last Wednesday, who am I kidding 9pm is just way to late for this cat to play a sport, I am so not sportificated (Definition: one who lacks skills and ambition to participate in sports activities)! I am going to try to make it a few times this season, but I need to get in better shape first. I can barely walk let alone run on ice!

I have started a points system with the kids, they get a point every time they do something I ask without a fuss or being told twice (or eighteen times). On the 20th of every month they get to cash in their points for money, 10 cents for each point. So far it looks like I won't be breaking the bank with this system, but time will tell, my fingers are crossed.

I talked to MJB about instituting a family cleaning day on Sundays, do a whole once over the house. That way I can tidy throughout the week to keep it up. He's into it and I hope it becomes a ritual. I know a couple other families who do this, and it works great for them. What I wouldn't give for a Monday morning where it doesn't look like bomb went off in this place!

I went through all our jackets and shoes and have 2 garbage bags full of stuff, one to donate, and unfortunately the other to trash. I think a big part of the reason I don't purge our house of the unnecessary clutter is because I feel guilty that it's going to end up in a landfill. One way or another that's where it will go, so better now than later I suppose. I really want to start being conscious of the things I am buying, by quality over quantity, and more of the things we need and less of what we want. We generate so much garbage and most of it is avoidable. It is so important to think and live a little greener, because we should and we can.

I am wearing purple today. This signifies that I am not okay with homophobia, that I believe we need to plant seeds of empathy, compassion, and a strong sense of self worth in the generations of tomorrow, because no one should be ashamed of who they are inside or out. I am doing my best to make sure my kids are not on the throwing side of the punch. That they are there to stand up for the little guy because they know it's the right thing to do, because they truly care, and that they know they have a network of family and friends that will love them unconditionally.

33 Reasons to Appreciate Life.

We spent a good portion of our evening watching the news coverage of the 33 Chilean miners being rescued after being stuck over 700 meters underground for 69 days. They were discovered 17 days after they were presumed dead from the mine collapsing. Officials were able to send down clean water, food, and other small supplies. But due to the nature of where they were underground rescue was not possible, until now. Watching that first man come to the surface brought tears to my eyes, and a warmth to my heart. In that moment I saw the good in man kind, was in awe of the strength, courage, and faith of these men, and above all I was grateful to see a happy ending, as they fall few and far between in the news these days. So today when I am tired of housework, when my kids are driving me nuts, and I am trying hopelessly to find matching pairs for all the socks around here... I will remember the look on those men's faces, because they came up from hell with that smile of pure happiness and gratitude, to live another day with their loved ones.

I am spending this entire day at home, cleaning, organizing, and de-cluttering. I have done really well at keeping my sink free of dirty dishes, I have gone to bed with a clean sink more times than I haven't. I am drinking more water, but still need to make it a habit to drink at least 2L a day. And I have failed miserably not eating after 7pm. So I am still working on these mini goals, and I plan to keep on working at them until they become second nature to me. In an effort not to overwhelm myself I am going to hold off adding any more of these goals for now, aside from extending the last goal to no eating or drinking (anything but water/tea) after 7 at night.

Tonight I'm going to broomball (google it), it is a fantastic work out, and a lot of fun. It happens every Wednesday at 9pm (that's the only draw back for me, since I am ready for bed by then most nights). I plan on going to broomball, doing one yoga class a week, and hopefully going for a walk 2-3 other nights during the week. I am SO out of shape, it hurts to get out of bed in the morning, and I have zero muscle tone anywhere (well maybe a bit in my arms from lugging my 4 year old Hunny Buns everywhere), tonight is going to hurt. I seriously wish I could wake up tomorrow fit, toned, and 40 pounds lighter, I promise I'd take care of myself from then on... but like they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy.


***Check the news if you haven't seen any of the Chilean miners rescue yet, last time I checked 13 of the 33 men had been lifted to safety.

Thanks for the Potatoes.

Life is a combination of ups and downs, and the times in between. Some downs are worse than others, but one thing always rings true, the only way to go from down is back up again. People become discouraged in these low points in life. Often becoming stuck or lost. What I tell myself when I am feeling consumed by a bad situation, is that one day, in the near future, things will be different, time brings change, and new situations. Today is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for where I am on the roller coaster of life.

My parents celebrated their 29th Anniversary yesterday. (Which, by the way, means that my 29th birthday is 9 months away, wedding night baby much?!) 29 years of marriage, I have yet to find out just what it takes to make a marriage last that long, I don't even know if my parents could out right tell you how they made it. Day by day, year upon year, ups, downs, and a whole lot of in betweens, they always cared about each other enough to stick it out. Now in their years without kids at home, when they don't have to live pay cheque to pay cheque, they can sit back, pat themselves on the shoulder and know that the hardest parts are over. If they made it this far, they can make it through anything. I am thankful for the example they have set.

I went out and dug through the last of the garden crop. Our trip to Whitehorse this summer left our garden without water for 2 weeks (damn timer on the irrigation) we lost almost everything, and it was going to be a great crop this year. MJB is always in charge of the garden, I seem to make green things turn brown very fast. There is something truly amazing about growing your own food. So tonight along with all the other things I am thankful for right now, I am thankful for the purple fleshed potatoes, the carrots, and dill that came from the dirt in our back yard, and will be on our plates tonight.

To Spaz Or Not To Spaz..

Is it some sort of "rite of passage" for every little girl to wrap her hair around a comb? It's down to the last 20 minutes before we leave to take Spaceman to school and Hunny runs up to me with a comb wound in so tightly to her hair that I contemplate cutting it out. Someone once said (on Oprah, I don't remember who), "you can tell a lot about a person's character by the way the untangle their Christmas lights" (in my case, Hunny's hair). The fly on the wall would tell you, that at first I had a conniption fit, but then I remembered to breath, and calmed down enough to untangle the mess with only a few strands sacrificed to the mission. I don't know what that says about my character, but I suppose the fact my daughter is not walking around with spikes for bangs speaks volumes.

Last night for dinner I made chicken breasts, acorn squash, and a spinach salad. MJB usually never finishes his chicken, it's always too dry. So in an effort to prove I can cook a decent meal, I made a creamy mustard dip (remind me to tell you all about my mustard phobia, for those of you who don't know all about it), and by golly he finished every last bite! It's funny that I am finding tricks to get my husband to eat his whole meal, isn't that typically something reserved for your children? Well if you've seen my husband, you know he needs every last calorie I can get into him. What I wouldn't do for his metabloisim!

This week I am making some small goals for myself, baby steps if you will. 3 things, I can not go to be with dishes in the sink. I must drink 2L of water a day, and no eating after 7pm. Next week I'll add 3 more.
I am realizing that quite a few people have been reading, and much to my surprise, enjoying my blog. So to those of you who are, thanks. I quite like putting my thoughts into words, and while some of my plans sound better in writting than they do when it comes to me executing them, I am trying to hold myself accountable, and I will have some progress to report sooner than later.

Hello 6:30am! I hate you!

Now that MJB is in school we only have one vehicle, his work truck is still needed on the job out of town. So I either have to let him use the car, and I walk the kids to school, or we all get up early and drive him. Just goes to show how much I hate physical activity when I choose to wake up almost and hour earlier everyday, just so I don't have to walk, and I LOVE my sleep! In my defense, walking also includes carrying Hunny for 15 min each way, since she refuses to walk on her own after 10 steps. I mean she's light enough at first, but after a while it's like carrying around a baby elephant.

MJB wanted to use my laptop for school everyday, I would have let him, because he said it would mean less homework after school, but I was not looking forward to my "slow as molasses and going to be smashed someday soon" computer in the basement. I love getting up in the morning, sitting down at the island in the kitchen, and having my coffee while I check out the newest Facebook goin's on. And well, this laptop, it's just so pretty, and fast, and the first thing I've bought for myself that cost more than $20, in a long long time. So thankfully his boss had a netbook he could borrow while he's in school. Problem solved. Pffew!

With Daddy home, things are changing up a bit, he is trying to get them straightened out, helping out more, keeping their rooms clean, and listening better. I should be happy about this. All of a sudden though, I feel like every time he disciplines them, that he is judging me as a Mom, and in a round about way scolding me while he's scolding them. Totally backwards, and not the case at all. He's just trying to help, and make things easier around here. The thing is though, no matter what I do, I am the Mom, and they do not listen to me like they listen to him, it's just a fact of family life. So I need to stop taking it personally, look at it for what it is, and hopefully things do run a little smoother around here.

Puppy Love.

Tomorrow MJB is home for good, well 6 weeks for sure anyway. He is going back to school to get his refrigeration ticket. He is already a journeyman plumber and gas fitter. I am excited for him to be able to put the next notch on his belt, and I think this break from work, while it will not be easy, will be good for him. Not to mention what having him home will be like for me. I can hardly contain myself! He won't have to leave so early in the morning while he's in school, so I hope to take the opportunity to get up an hour before I normally do, and go for a morning walk. I have 6 weeks, so we'll see what kind of damage I can do to the scale in that period of time.

I am really hankering for a dog, I almost feel as though having a dog, completes a home. Growing up we always had a dog or two. I have had a dog in the past, and while I loved her with all my heart, I neglected her needs because I was just too busy with the kids. Plus our back yard neighbour was a miserable old cow who called the pound every time she made a peep. Yet she thought it was a good idea to hit the fence with the hose or a rake to scare our dog off. Of course she's going to bark at you lady! Anyway it's here nor there, I am still bitter though, obviously. Anyway I found a dog, a boxer just like our last dog, and I want her. But I have visions of myself in the bitter cold winter at 3am with my housecoat on, saying "go pee, go pee, make a poo poo", and I shudder at the thought. Spring time is a much better time to acquire a puppy. Case closed, put it our of your mind Shaunna. (Unless this dog who cleans up it's own poop is available...)

While Hunny and I were at Strong Start (a free parent and tot playgroup) today, I got to talking to the other Moms about how kids are "growing up" too fast these days, and what we can do to deter them from drinking, smoking, drugs, and sex. How young is too young for these things, at what age do we "lose" that control over them? I don't want to be that parent with rose-colored glasses on who thinks their kid is too smart or to good to get into any bad situations. I was a kid once, I know what they are exposed to and the pressure they face from peers, and the media. I thought to myself, "well I guess it's far to early to be worried about it yet", and then I realised Roonie is 9 and in 2 years she'll be in middle school. Now IS the time, not to have "the talk" necessarily, but to make sure she has the value in herself to recognize that she owes herself the respect to stay away from grown-up things until she is emotionally, mentally,and physically ready for them. It is sad that the window of youth is getting smaller and smaller, I just want my kids to have a real chance at being young. Above all though, I hope I raise kids who know they can tell me anything, because while I don't want them doing these things, what I want less is for them to hide it from me completely.

Familyship and Friendship.

Today we are going to get Wal-Mart photos with Roonie and her sisters today, there are 5 kids in total, Roonie, her 2 sisters from her other house, Spaceman and Hunny. It was Roonie's Mom's idea, she wanted to get pictures of her 3 girls, and invited us along since it is our day with Roonie, and it will be fun to have a picture of her, and her 4 siblings, even if they are from two different households. I am very happy to say, that we have a great relationship with Roonie's Mom and her other Dad. I know not all split situations are the same, I am so thankful for the ease of our situation, for Roonie's sake above all else.

Family, and friends. My two most prized possessions in life. I have such a good relationship with my family, they are not just my family, they are my friends. Our bond is bigger than genetics and circumstances, we genuinely like each other, and always will. We have had fights, and suffered great losses together, and still we stand strong together, there is nothing that can shake us, or break us apart, I love my family unconditionally. 

While family is one thing, friends are totally different, because they are chosen from the beginning. Friendship is very special because it is a lifelong commitment that needs to be kept up, when you have friends worth that up keep you know it, and it is one of the best feelings in the world. There is an unspoken bond between real friends, and no matter how much time, or what's taken place over the years, that bond is forever. I am lucky enough to say I know that love, and am privileged to have the friends in my life that I do. Through all the yesterdays, todays and tomorrows, my friends are always there for me, as I am for them. I suggest to all of you to reach out to your true friends, make a point to be with them as much as you can, because they are a reflection of everything inside of you that is good, they mirror all the things you were, and all the things you will be. The more you are with them, the closer you are to yourself.

Happiness at the Bottom of a Laundry Basket.

Now that Spaceman is in school full time I have found that his attitude is much better. I have yet to decide if it's just because I see 6 hours less of it a day, or that he is changing and growing out of that stage, I'm hoping it's the latter. Roonie is miserable about school right now, and that is unfortunate because she is a bright, positive, and loving kid and I hate seeing her so negative and unhappy. She was separated from every friend she had in her class last year, and put into a split class. I understand why she's in a split, and I know she is capable of excelling no matter what her class situation. That being said, I do feel terrible for her being apart from all the girls she really liked last year. Another failure on the school systems part, in my opinion. Someone dropped the ball, and the kids are the ones who suffer.

MJB is heading back out of town this afternoon, it has been so nice having him home again, even for just a little while, reminds us again why we are together. I think I feel worse for him than for myself, at least I get to be alone in the comfort of our home, and see our kids everyday. He hasn't really got to spend time with Roonie since she hasn't been with us while he's home, and her weekend here is the one where he's not. I am toying with the idea of taking the kids to visit him on the weekend, but considering it's 4 hours away and the kids are in school it might be a tough run. Not to mention the fact he is living with 8 other men, and there really isn't room for us, the guys are all really nice, but I am sure it is uncomfortable for them to have 4 more people around the house.

I am going to make stew today, and Yorkshire puddings. Not exactly diet food, but definitely a fall meal, and it is a cold, wet, fall day, so I think a hot bowl of stew is the perfect dinner. I also have a mountain of laundry to do as well, MJB is just finishing his laundry before heading off, and then, that washer has no idea what's in store for it. My to do list for the day looks much like my to do lists from last week, mainly because I have yet to complete 3/4 of the items on it. My cupboards are still a disaster, and while the fridge it cleaned, the freezer above it is a landslide waiting to happen. So today is laundry, cupboard, and freezer day. Oh and "kiss your man goodbye for a week and a half" day, boo.

Don't Pass the Sp-ork-ghetti.

The speed of life is blinding at times. As a kid I remember how slow things moved, how time seemed to go on forever. The older I get though, the faster things pass by. Why is that? Is it simply that our jobs have multiplied as grown ups, that there is so much more taking up our time? MJB is here for the next day and a half still, and then back to working out of town. I wish I could just slow down time, and really soak up the feeling of having him here, because before I know it he'll be on the road and gone for another 10 days or so.

As much as I love to cook I don't think I am all that good at it. This one time, I made MJB pasta with tomato sauce and ham chunks, he couldn't even get one bite down, he and his friends named it "sp-ork-ghetti", gross I know, but I learned my lesson. I never follow recipes and I think that maybe I should, for a while anyway, to get some of the basics figured out. So this next week and a bit while he is gone I am going try a few recipes. Test them out on myself and the kids, and really wow him when he gets back the next time. I hope!

The power went out yesterday and my kids were dumbfounded. They have no concept of how that can be possible, it was really cute to see the expression on Hunny's face, just genuinely lost. I was kind of excited. I like the simplicity of life without elecricity, we lit some candles, cracked a cold beer, and were about to break out a board game when the power surged back on. We watched TV instead, what can I say, we are creatures of habit, not that it bothered me much, I was just happy to be with my man.

Falling into Autumn.

I am really excited for the change in the weather, at first I was super bummed that the summer was over, but now I am looking forward to comfy boots, hoodies, the crackle of the fireplace, the colors of autumn, cool weather comfort foods, and for things to slow down. Summer is a blast, an all out fun fest, that ends just as quickly as it begins, and in about 4/5 months I'll be begging for the heat...but for now I am into everything that fall will bring.

Friday is here and I love that at 3 o'clock today I get to pause everyday life and just go with the flow, we can get up when we want, do what we want, not do what we don't want...and when Monday comes hopefully feel rested and ready for the week. That's what weekends are to me, and I would be lost without them.

I would like to find a way to bring in some extra cash without having to get a sitter. I have yet to figure anything out, I will not do multi-level marketing, ever. I don't want to do daycare, been there, done that, and it's not for me. I am not trained to do anything that I could do from home. I guess I just wait until MJB is done working out of town and then I can get an evening serving job again, I love serving, and it has a good money to hours ratio.

For now I will just focus on what I can control, find joy in the things I have and can do, instead of dwelling on the things I want. Goals are good, and everything you try for will come to you in time.

Part of a whole.

With MJB away so often for work these days, I am falling into a pattern of doing things my way, and on my own. I am scared that he'll get home for good and we'll have lost that connection that makes us the 2 parts of a whole. Like I'm going to be set in my ways, he'll be set in his, and we'll forget where the middle is. I spent the day cleaning and getting prettied up for MJB, I didn't want him to come home to a mess, I didn't want him to feel like all his hard work away from us, and away from our home was for nothing. Sadly though, he is not coming home tonight. I have to spend 2 more nights alone in bed without him, and I'm heartbroken.

What makes a marriage work, I believe there are 4 key factors. One, you must, have time to be yourself, and for your husband or wife to see you for who you were when you fell in love. That's why couples who have young kids have such a struggle, your "self" is lost for a while.

Two, appreciation for what each of you brings to the table, and the sacrifice you each make to provide it. In our house MJB is the bread winner working a stressful job, 5 days a week (lately more). I on the other hand, am the stay-at-home mom, with my own stresses and hardships, we each have what the other wants, and if the roles were reversed it would be the opposite. Just be aware of how it would feel if life were the other way around and appreciate the fact this is a life you are building together, each half as important as the other.

Three, money, the main reason couples fight. Talk about it weekly, make a budget, expect to blow it, but at least try to have a plan. We are not good with our money, so don't take my advice on finances, I'm just here to tell you that the more you talk about it the better, and if you are united and have the same goals money wise your relationship will not fail over it.

And four, keep life as simple as you can. The more complicated your life, the messier your schedule, the more of the little importances get lost along the way, and in my opinion those little things are the glue that keeps you together.

Confronting my Ghost.

The past two nights I've been dreaming of ghosts. With MJB being away I wake up feeling totally freaked out, I miss having that warm body in bed beside me, it's amazing how safe I feel when I am with him. These dreams have got me rattled a bit, so I looked up on a website what dreaming of ghosts means, and it's a sign that you are repressing something, that you are holding yourself back from moving forward in a more positive direction. I have attributed this to the way I am putting of getting into shape, I owe it to myself, but I am reluctant to try for fear of failing...again. So my ghost is my guilt in a sense, I'm feeling guilty for not trying my hardest.

I hate eating before noon, I literaly have to choke down a meal anytime in the AM. Worst thing for me I know, but it is what it is. Regardless I tried drinking my breakfast this morning in a smoothie. 1/2 a banana, some grated carrot, 1/4 avocado, strawberries, raspberries, honey, vanilla, and a splash of AJ (apple juice). It was pretty darn good. We'll see how that starts my day off... For accountability, and your viewing pleasure, I think I'm going to try to photograph and post my progress, I am very visual, so to have results right before my eyes might help, just as long as I actually see those changes along the way, or I become discouraged and give up. 

The scale is not my best friend, I am going to move it out to the shed today. I will weigh myself again on the 15th of October, Today I weighed 188 lbs.

Also, I did not get much done on my to do list for yesterday, so today I will clean the fridge, pantry, and junk cupboard in the kitchen. That ghost of guilt can kiss my big white butt. I'm gettin' 'er done.

Check your spontaneous side at the door...welcome to parenthood.

So after a quick weekend getaway, and a whole day of "weekend getaway recovery"...it's time to get back on track, tidy the house, clean the car, no drinking, and healthy eating. First things first, wow, how and when did my house become such a disaster, it was just so clean, DRAT! Needless to say, Hunny and I are rocking out to my Ipod and doing housework (after I write this I swear). Right now she is "sweeping" the cat. Thanks for the help baby.

 This weekend instead of the same old, same old I was lucky enough to go to Seattle and watch a Seahawks game. I didn't have anything appropriate to wear to an NFL game, so I borrowed a buddies jersey (his favorite team, the 49ers, and the opposing team of this particular game) there I was wandering around Seattle, in a sea of blue and green, wearing a red San Francisco jersey. I was verbaly abused all day long, and then when the Hawks slaughtered the 49ers on the field I became a walking "call me a loser" sign...and it was so much fun!

I very much miss the ability to be spontaneous, there is almost no chance of last minute plans when you have kids. Thankfully it worked out for me this time, because getting away is a must, even if it's just for a little while. I know a few Moms who never get to do this. I can't imagine never having that chance to just be me. It is so important to remember who you are outside of the house, I think it makes me a better parent.

I haven't got much on my list of to do's for the month done yet, I really need to pull up my tube socks! After today's day of cleaning my plan is to tackle the fridge and the corner "junk" cupboard. I will report on my progress tomorrow. Any one want to place any bets on what actually gets done...

Loud does not equal assertive.

I remember a time when I wanted to be really good at something. A time when my first priority was me. Now my life revolves around one thing, mothering. And I desparately want to be really good at it.  What makes a truly good mother though? Is it based on how how kids view us as a mother, or the opinion of others. I have found the only one who can really convince me I'm a good mom is myself.

Most days I feel like I am doing a good job, and at times I feel inadequate, like I'm failing my kids. Remembering that I am my toughest critic, I tried to look at myself from another point of view, an outside perspective. From the outside I look like I might have it together, like I'm a fun, confident, and in control mother. Even while inside I struggle with my feelings of regret for the way I handled a situation, or how my kids are acting in public, or some of the things that come out of their mouths. Maybe they aren't old enough to watch some of the movies we let them see, is there a better way to dicipline them, and my worst thought of all could it be that my son's temper came from me.

When did my fuse become so short? Why do I always end up yelling at the top of my lungs? Loud does not equal assertive. I must remember that kids will be kids, there is nothing my kids have done that some others haven't done too, and I am not the first or the last mother to feel this way. I need to focus on my positive attributes, I make my kids laugh daily, I provide them with the basics of life, and then some. They know I love them, and I make sure to tell them how great they are every chance I get. I am attempting to raise polite children, there are some manners that should not be lost to the changing times. People always tell us how good our kids are, and that makes me feel better about the job I'm doing.

I am just a woman, learning how to mother as I go, taking things one day at a time, and in the end, if my kids are happy, well adjusted, productive members of society, I will be content.

Worn out Snooze Button.

Well suprise, surprise, I returned the movies yesterday...but my tax return is still in my purse, man I am a chronic slacker aren't I?

Waking up today was awful, I felt like turning the alarm right off and saying eff it, school will be there tomorrow. But I rolled my sorry tush out of bed and got on with it. I am still feeling run down, but I bet in the next day my body will adjust, just in time for sleeping in this weekend. Nice.

My beef for the day is about my kids' school, and the fact they have been in session for 2.5 days already and no one knows who their teacher is or who thier classmates are. When I was of school age we lined up at the door and found our names on a list, we knew our techer before we even entered the building. What happened to that? They say this is less stressful on the kids, just in case they have to do any swapping once they find out final numbers for the year. When I was a kid you just had to roll with the punches, for example, there was 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place in sports, none of this everyone gets a ribbon for trying! We are not doing our kids a favor but sheltering them like this, in the real world everyone is not created equal, you have to work hard to be the best, you have to set goals and learn to deal when you fail. That's life, and in my own opionion, one of the most important lessons children need to learn. Some parents just can't handle it when their kid is not the fastest, smartest, or strongest kid in town. I am comfortable knowing my kids have their place in this world, no matter where on the bell curve they fit. So to the school system of the 21st century I beg you, stop coddling our children, for the sake of their futures.

My Everythings...

Hunny, the littlest, my little. She is a girl 100%, hates bugs, loves make-up already, but she's our Miss Mess Magoo, always into something. One day I'll tell you about the Great Vaseline Fiasco of 2008! She is a ball of energy and a force to be reckoned with. Her sense of humour is amazing, I whole hearted my laugh with her on a daily basis about things other people might not get. She is a great friend, a selfless little helper, and I love her with all my heart. Never change baby girl.

Spaceman. My rascal, a sweet, loving little man. I loved him with all my heart the instant he was born. He's going to be a great man one day and a wonderful boyfriend/husband. He gets into his fair share of trouble, but he always chooses the right direction in the end. Even on a bad day he'll do something or say something that makes my heart melt, and I remember all over again why he is my favorite little boy. And always will be!

Roonie the great. My love for this girl is beyond words. I don't know what we did right in our past lives to deserve a daughter like her. I know I lucked out becoming her Step-mom. She's half way to being a grown up in years, but more mature than most adults I know. A helping hand, a bag of tricks, she's smart, funny, and beautiful, couldn't ask for anything more.

Queen of the Procrastinators.

So today I finished my income taxes, they were due 4 months ago. Woops. They owe me nothing and I owe them nothing, I figured I could let it slide over summer, math makes my brain hurt (and I use a calculator). It's not until they withhold my benefits that I feel the fire under my bum, but the envelope is sealed and the stamp is on, now to get it into the mail box:P Also there are 3 movie rentals I have kicking around here that desparately need to be returned. Thank goodness for no late charges! I must return these today.

It is the first day of full day school for my son, I hope he likes it, otherwise this will be a long year! So I have 9am-2:45pm everyday with ONE child...what will I do with my new found freedom? My TO DO list for September, I'd like to surprise my hubby with painted baseboards and trim by the time he gets back next week. I want to clean out my "junk" cupboards (since when did the one junk drawer grow to 3 junk cupboards?!) I'd also like to get our fence in the back yard stained, but the weather is not co-operating. Shucks eh?

My goal right now is to lose some weight before Halloween, we love to dress up and go out, and I have always wanted to look hot in my costume. If I can manage to lose even 15 lbs by then I'd be happy. MJB is home for sure in October because he's going to school, so I can go for evening runs (fast walks really), and now that Spaceman is in school, Hunny and I can go to my Mom's when she isn't working and I can use her treadmill. Now if I can just control my rampant eating habits I might just reach my goal! Down to 175 lbs. Then I can try for another 15 before Christmas. Maybe if I write about my progress I will hold myself more accountable!

I went and gathered up the movies I need to take back and put them by the door, how much you wanna bet they are still there tomorrow?

School Dazed

So today is the fisrt day of back to school, Spaceman (my 6 year old son) is in Gr.1, and Roonie (9 year old step-daughter) is in Gr. 4, where the heck did the time go? I still have one at home though, so I still feel useful around the house. Hunny (my 4 year old daughter) is begging me for "school", and ballet. So this morning we went to the recreation office and signed her up for a Monday morning 9:30-11 fun class, and ballet. Spaceman is going to try out floor hockey, I decided for him, hope he likes it. I came to the realization today that the kids need to be in organized sports. For the energy outlet, and for the bonds that they will develop in high school through sports. I gave up sports at 12, I danced, but didn't play on any teams at school, and I now regret that. So I will try to send my kids off in that direction...who know's if it'll work? At least I can say I tried.

The kids are only in for 1/2 a day today so we are going for a special first day of school lunch, I already spent $120 on the classes, $130 on clothing for the fall, what's another $30 for lunch? But now it's time to reel in the spending, MJB just got paid on friday, gotta make it last! Speaking of MJB, my hubby, he's working out of town again, 4 hours away, for like the millionth week it seems. I'm either going to end up insane or an alcoholic by the end of his contract there!

The kids walk all over me, not that I don't try to dicipline, they just don't take me seriously enough. If I spank they think I'm mean, if I'm nice they never quit the bad behaviour, time outs always lead to a spank anyway, what is a Mom supposed to do? Drink. That's right I said it. At the end of the day, when the kids are asleep, find a quiet place, do what you love, TV, computer, crafts, whatever. Grab yourself a glass of wine, like me, or if you are not a wino go for a hot cup of tea, or a diet soda, anything, just as long as you soak up that quiet time, remember the feeling of calm...'cause you're going to need it tomorrow.