Dreaming in real-time...

It's that time again, life overhaul round #18, ding ding! I am ready for some realistic and sustainable changes to the everyday. I have been up, down, forward and back over the last 9 or so years, struggling with things like my ever increasing/decreasing and increasing again weight, being a better mother, wife, friend, and finding a happy place in between the life I envision for myself and REAL life.

My dreams right now paint a picture of a woman who treats exercise like brushing her teeth, who can pick up a guitar and play a song beginning, middle and end (and people will know what song it is), a woman who kicks ass and takes names at work, someone whose friends and family feel important and appreciated, a person who hangs her clothes on hangers and never runs out of clean socks, a wife that makes lunches for her husband to take to work and can find the self esteem and energy to feel sexy more often. She reads, writes, walks the dog, and calls her Grandma every week. This woman never goes out of the house in her jogging pants and over sized sweatshirt, because her outside matches her inside, and people know she has got her shit together. The house she lives in is organized and tidy, everything has a place and you know it will be there when you go to find it. Her fridge is stocked with things like kale, hemp hearts and quinoa... and she eats them because she knows that you get out what you put in. BUT....

Real life is dirty and raw. There are sharp edges and unlit corners that come up out of nowhere and best laid plans lie in wait for opportunity and circumstance. I can say I want to play guitar or go running everyday, but in reality I don't have the time or the energy. As much as I love it, real life doesn't always give me the free time and inspiration. I have realized now that when those moments come, you have to go for it. You don't know when the chance or feeling will come again. Alternatively, I also know on the mornings I want to roll out of bed skip the shower, wear joggers and yesterday's make-up, that's okay. There is always tomorrow to look amazing, and after a day without mascara I'll feel even better. I could obsess over a clean and organized house, but I have kids and they eat, sleep, and breathe chaos, so I roll with the punches and pick my battles.  Who doesn't want to eat better, I want my whole family to eat natural healthful food all the time. Reality is, kids like what they like and they will fight to keep the things they don't off their forks. I suppose I could go back in time and try to set a precedent earlier on in their lives. Oh! wait... no I can't. In reality I can only do the best with what's before me. I will celebrate the meals where my kids like the healthy options and sneak wholesome bits and pieces in when and where I can. I wont beat myself up over the few less-than-good-for-you things they do consume. I could just go nuts and overhaul the way we eat completely, but to what end, arguments with miserable kids who feel deprived and put down a shwack of junk when my back is turned. No, the line between reality and that dream lies somewhere between the steamed spinach and the Oreos... and that's okay.

Dreams have a place, they are there to help you aim for the stars and reality is there to keep your feet on the ground, the important thing is being content with landing somewhere in the middle of where your dreams can take you and what daily life will allow. Never lose sight of that amazing future you seek, because like a lantern in the dark, when you need it the most, that's what is going to take you in the right direction, even if its a few degrees up or down, left or right from what you always dreamed.

Flight Terrors

Captain and I are leaving for Panama in less than 2 weeks. I am crappin' in my proverbial pants. We have to take like 3 planes there and 3 planes home. 6 more planes than I ever hope to get on for a vacation. I am a nervous flyer to say the least. I hate it. So I get super drunk and pretend I am on a bus the whole time, window seats are a big eff no for me, because the sight out the window instantly kills the visualization of driving down a bumpy highway. The calm passengers and flight attendants make me feel like a paranoid freak, which I am, while I look like the in-flight drunk, which I am.

The first time I flew I was already a mother of 3, and I think a lot of my fear stems from the thought of orphaning my children. I have even contemplated Captain and I taking different flights. Hoping of course his plane is the one to go down. As much as I love him, if it's gotta be me or him I think he could handle the crash situation with more dignity...

All kidding aside, more than ever I need this getaway, working full time and being a mom is hard as hell, especially when you are semi-single Monday to Friday while your husband works out of town. I don't want to leave my kids, I feel like time with them is limited right now as it is, but I feel drained, heavy, and dull. This week away will put me in a better mind space to be the best Mom I can. My kids are really what it's all about. Schmoo, Mr. Maggo, and Hunny Bear, you are my paradise... All I need is right here at home, zero flights necessary.

Perfecting

You know when "they" say the key to weight loss is making lifestyle changes, and changing the way you look at food. Those bastards are right. There is no magic pill, no potion, or machine. It comes from changing the toxic relationship you have with food, changing your attitude about eating right from calling it a "diet" to really embracing what it means to be healthy. To treat your body with respect and nourish it (Sounds like I eat a lot of granola and wear tie-dyed shirts, but no). I refuse to abuse my body anymore to feed my selfish, unjustified food addicted mind.

I have found success in the most unexpected place...Letting go....

I can FEEL that my mindset is different. Like I have hit a maturity level where I can finally embrace a healthier lifestyle, if that makes any sense to anyone else but me? I really think it is a case of my growing up and accepting that I was sabotaging myself because I was too afraid to fail, or more than anything that the change wouldn't happen as fast as I NEEDED it to. I say needed with such emphasis because I needed to see huge weight loss number on the scale each week to make me want to carry on. Instant gratification or nothing. One bad week, and I would abandon ship, and start the cycle over again... usually on a "Monday". This Shaunna says "EVERY MEAL is a chance for a fresh start", the Monday bullshit is over.

The Captain and I are going away on a sunny vacation in early March, and while this has been my starting motivation, it is not my end goal. My real goal is to learn, experiment, and work my way to a healthy body. Taking baby steps, and embracing the piddly changes for what they are along the way, because those small things are success. In a year from now I hope I can say I did something big and amazing, in March I just hope to look better in a bikini than I would have in January.

I am not dieting, I am merely perfecting.

Face time... In The Age of Facebook.

 I am so grossed out by this cold, faceless, and voiceless world our children are growing up in. Where did this come from? When did the phone conversation become less desirable than mere words on a screen, devoid of enunciation and emotion? A "smiley emoticon" is NOTHING but a picture, it is not equivalent to the warmth of a smile, LOL, doesn't even compare to the sweet sound of real laughter. In person we can see, feel, appreciate each other. When did we decide to stop feeling?

Another young girl just took her own life because she was bullied over and over. As far as I am concerned, it was the internet that abused her, harassed her, denied her call out for help, and ultimately led her to the dark place where she felt she had no worth. It killed her.

It is my solemn vow, that my children will not own a Facebook account while living under this roof. 13 is the minimum age for opening an account, and that used to be my rule "when you are 13 you can have one", but now they can wait. I don't care how much they cry and beg, or say they hate me for it. I am saving their lives or at least their emotional well being, and allowing their character to develop because of real personal interactions. If some one wants to bully one of my kids, you can do it to their face, where your words have to come out of your mouth, and your eyes see the pain they cause. You will not hide behind your screen. Internet bullying is the lowest form of cowardice, and I will do my best to keep my children from being subjected to it.

When a child dies because of some freak accident, like being strangled by a cord from the blinds, we make new rules, find ways to prevent them from happening again. Remember when you could ride around in the box  of a truck? Not anymore, too many injuries/fatalities. How many children have to kill themselves because of internet bullying before rules are changed? Maybe Facebook needs to up the minimum age to 18? Maybe there ought to be a tougher process for creating an account? With all the technology in the world surely that must be possible?

To all you parents who have kids/teens on Facebook, watch them, know their passwords, check their accounts, be nosey. It's your job to keep them safe physically and emotionally. They will thank you for it one day. As the world changes so do our morals and values, rules get bent, and blurred, or forgotten all together. In my world the one constant will be those morals, values, and rules, the changing times can adapt to them.

The Death of Common Sense.

    Are we witnessing the death of common sense in the world? I recently read about two separate child related issues that got my fingers itching, nay, burning to write again.

    A letter to the editor was written in to the newspaper I work at, regarding safety issues and concerns with our river channel in town, which is a popular local and tourist attraction. Floating down the channel has been a summer past-time here since long before I was born, there is never a summer where it is not speckled with brightly colored air mattresses, and the faces of happy floaters. This woman/mother wrote in concerned that they were not informed of the speed and depth of the channel this year, that they would have never gone down if they'd have been told, and that they had to ask if their children should wear life jackets. Well, as far as I am concerned, you'd have to have been living under a rock to not know that water levels are at a record high for this time of year, to not have heard of the countless water related incidents have happened in our BC water bodies this year alone. If you have to think about whether your child should be wearing a life jacket then my dear, put one on them. Here's another thought, watch them closely while they are in the water. These are rivers and lakes you are messing with, natures wonders, and as beautiful as they are, they can become deadly in the blink of an eye. So take precautions. It is your job to take the initiative to keep your family safe.

    On another note, related but different. Lets talk about The Bumbo. I remember when it first came out, I wanted one. So colorful, fun, and seemingly convenient. I never did bite the bullet and buy one, a combination of cost, and rumors I had heard of it being bad for babies backs, and abdomen. Now it is being recalled, and not to be used without a warning label, and after market restraint strap. Babies can maneuver out of it, and or flip it over. Babies move people, this is not a new scientific discovery! There are reports of babies suffering skull fractures after falling in a Bumbo seat that was used on a high table/counter. The parents placing their wriggling, squirmy, and inquisitive babies in one of these on a high surface (anywhere that is NOT the floor, where it should be) should be the ones equipped with an after market warning label. "Warning: The person you are looking at needs to be reminded that it is unsafe to put a baby on a table unattended."

    Common friggin' sense. Have we become so bubble wrapped and sheltered that the real world becomes impossible to navigate safely without the help of notices, warnings, laws that force us to wear safety gear... And do we think that the lack of such things is a guarantee of safety. Use your head, if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer...

Let the icing begin.

One week.

I will be THIRTY years old in SEVEN days, am I dreading this seemingly "HUGE" number? Not really. I am damn proud of where I have come from and gone to in the last 30 years. I am the mother of 3 amazing kids, I am a beloved wife who can truly say she loves her husband. Our house is a home. I have found gainful employment that is conducive to being a mom, exactly what I need right now. My friends and family are genuine and amazing people that I know I will be there for a lifetime. There is so much to be thankful for.

30 is a right of passage, whether you took your 20's to have fun, educate yourself and find a career, or made the choice to start your family young, you should stand in the mirror and be amazed with who you see, no matter what you look like, how much money is in your pockets, or what the world looks like around you. You are officially moving into adulthood, as far as I am concerned. It takes at least 30 years to get well enough acquainted with yourself that you know the right road to take from here.

So as I walk through the shadows of the valley of the death of my 20's, I hold my head up high. Looking forward to a world where my dreams and goals make more sense than they did in my 20's, where my life's aspirations mesh with the person I have grown to be. I feel like a cake that's been baked with all the right ingredients in perfect measure, and that the next 30 years are the ones where I get iced.

128 Days.

"If you build it they will come..."....or in my case "If you live it...they will go". I am talking about the pounds I have been carrying around with me unnecessarily, the 20 (and after some crazy weeks of recklessness 30) pounds I need to lose to be back to my pre-baby weight. Yes, it has been a long time since pregnancy, but as we Moms know, time flies. Ultimately I'd like to lose 40lbs, but for now, it's time to get back to pre-kids weight, and then decide where to go from there.

Time and time again I have fallen victim to my internal anti-will power, listening to it's promises of... "this one bowl of ice cream, or extra helping of scalloped potatoes won't make or break your waistline". Earth to Shaunna...it was lying, because day in and day out that one (or 5) innocent indulgence(s), are exactly where my weight problem lies. I have tried and failed too many times to count, I have declared my commitment over and over again only to find myself standing still. Feeling guilt and defeat all the time. I do realize that every failure brings me one step closer to the time I succeed. I see that I am learning about myself, my limitations, and my strengths. Which is exactly the experience I need to know what it is have have to do. Time to stop going around in circles, the only way to go is forward.

For those of you wondering what my game plan is....

I will be getting up when my alarm goes off, not hitting snooze 3 times, and talking myself into sleeping longer instead of showering in the morning. I will eat breakfast, a smoothie or oatmeal (I will post recipes). I will drink a lot of water. Lunch will always be light and healthful. Snacking will be cut down to a minimum and only when I am hungry, not because it's been scheduled in. I will choose my meals as they come, dinner being the exception, no more planning the days food out ahead of time. I have learned that does not work out well for me, because then I over think food, I obsess about when and what comes next. It's AWFUL. My dinner portions will be cut in half. My number one worst habit is night time snacking, so I will do my best to stop eating after 7pm.

I will to walk to pick up the kids everyday, weather permitting, and walk/jog/run for an hour 3-4 times a week. I will attempt to do 50 crunches every morning when I wake up, I will have time because I'll be waking up half and hour earlier, right?! I will always clean the house with the music on...for one, house cleaning sucks, and music makes it better. For two, I get inspired to bust a move to certain songs, and that my friends, helps my in my fight to "move more".

This all seems like a lot, but they as a whole are just minor alterations of how I go about my day... things I have been able to do before, and know I can do again. I have a vision... and I am going to start living it now.

I am healthy, I am strong. I eat food for nourishment, to feed my body, and on occasion my soul. I am active, I do crunches, I dance, I run, sometimes I do yoga, I take my dog for daily walks, I play guitar. I feel great, and look amazing. I make my husbands jaw drop. I set a healthy example for my kids, I inspire others to do the same... Watch me prove it.