Puppy Love.

Tomorrow MJB is home for good, well 6 weeks for sure anyway. He is going back to school to get his refrigeration ticket. He is already a journeyman plumber and gas fitter. I am excited for him to be able to put the next notch on his belt, and I think this break from work, while it will not be easy, will be good for him. Not to mention what having him home will be like for me. I can hardly contain myself! He won't have to leave so early in the morning while he's in school, so I hope to take the opportunity to get up an hour before I normally do, and go for a morning walk. I have 6 weeks, so we'll see what kind of damage I can do to the scale in that period of time.

I am really hankering for a dog, I almost feel as though having a dog, completes a home. Growing up we always had a dog or two. I have had a dog in the past, and while I loved her with all my heart, I neglected her needs because I was just too busy with the kids. Plus our back yard neighbour was a miserable old cow who called the pound every time she made a peep. Yet she thought it was a good idea to hit the fence with the hose or a rake to scare our dog off. Of course she's going to bark at you lady! Anyway it's here nor there, I am still bitter though, obviously. Anyway I found a dog, a boxer just like our last dog, and I want her. But I have visions of myself in the bitter cold winter at 3am with my housecoat on, saying "go pee, go pee, make a poo poo", and I shudder at the thought. Spring time is a much better time to acquire a puppy. Case closed, put it our of your mind Shaunna. (Unless this dog who cleans up it's own poop is available...)

While Hunny and I were at Strong Start (a free parent and tot playgroup) today, I got to talking to the other Moms about how kids are "growing up" too fast these days, and what we can do to deter them from drinking, smoking, drugs, and sex. How young is too young for these things, at what age do we "lose" that control over them? I don't want to be that parent with rose-colored glasses on who thinks their kid is too smart or to good to get into any bad situations. I was a kid once, I know what they are exposed to and the pressure they face from peers, and the media. I thought to myself, "well I guess it's far to early to be worried about it yet", and then I realised Roonie is 9 and in 2 years she'll be in middle school. Now IS the time, not to have "the talk" necessarily, but to make sure she has the value in herself to recognize that she owes herself the respect to stay away from grown-up things until she is emotionally, mentally,and physically ready for them. It is sad that the window of youth is getting smaller and smaller, I just want my kids to have a real chance at being young. Above all though, I hope I raise kids who know they can tell me anything, because while I don't want them doing these things, what I want less is for them to hide it from me completely.

Familyship and Friendship.

Today we are going to get Wal-Mart photos with Roonie and her sisters today, there are 5 kids in total, Roonie, her 2 sisters from her other house, Spaceman and Hunny. It was Roonie's Mom's idea, she wanted to get pictures of her 3 girls, and invited us along since it is our day with Roonie, and it will be fun to have a picture of her, and her 4 siblings, even if they are from two different households. I am very happy to say, that we have a great relationship with Roonie's Mom and her other Dad. I know not all split situations are the same, I am so thankful for the ease of our situation, for Roonie's sake above all else.

Family, and friends. My two most prized possessions in life. I have such a good relationship with my family, they are not just my family, they are my friends. Our bond is bigger than genetics and circumstances, we genuinely like each other, and always will. We have had fights, and suffered great losses together, and still we stand strong together, there is nothing that can shake us, or break us apart, I love my family unconditionally. 

While family is one thing, friends are totally different, because they are chosen from the beginning. Friendship is very special because it is a lifelong commitment that needs to be kept up, when you have friends worth that up keep you know it, and it is one of the best feelings in the world. There is an unspoken bond between real friends, and no matter how much time, or what's taken place over the years, that bond is forever. I am lucky enough to say I know that love, and am privileged to have the friends in my life that I do. Through all the yesterdays, todays and tomorrows, my friends are always there for me, as I am for them. I suggest to all of you to reach out to your true friends, make a point to be with them as much as you can, because they are a reflection of everything inside of you that is good, they mirror all the things you were, and all the things you will be. The more you are with them, the closer you are to yourself.

Happiness at the Bottom of a Laundry Basket.

Now that Spaceman is in school full time I have found that his attitude is much better. I have yet to decide if it's just because I see 6 hours less of it a day, or that he is changing and growing out of that stage, I'm hoping it's the latter. Roonie is miserable about school right now, and that is unfortunate because she is a bright, positive, and loving kid and I hate seeing her so negative and unhappy. She was separated from every friend she had in her class last year, and put into a split class. I understand why she's in a split, and I know she is capable of excelling no matter what her class situation. That being said, I do feel terrible for her being apart from all the girls she really liked last year. Another failure on the school systems part, in my opinion. Someone dropped the ball, and the kids are the ones who suffer.

MJB is heading back out of town this afternoon, it has been so nice having him home again, even for just a little while, reminds us again why we are together. I think I feel worse for him than for myself, at least I get to be alone in the comfort of our home, and see our kids everyday. He hasn't really got to spend time with Roonie since she hasn't been with us while he's home, and her weekend here is the one where he's not. I am toying with the idea of taking the kids to visit him on the weekend, but considering it's 4 hours away and the kids are in school it might be a tough run. Not to mention the fact he is living with 8 other men, and there really isn't room for us, the guys are all really nice, but I am sure it is uncomfortable for them to have 4 more people around the house.

I am going to make stew today, and Yorkshire puddings. Not exactly diet food, but definitely a fall meal, and it is a cold, wet, fall day, so I think a hot bowl of stew is the perfect dinner. I also have a mountain of laundry to do as well, MJB is just finishing his laundry before heading off, and then, that washer has no idea what's in store for it. My to do list for the day looks much like my to do lists from last week, mainly because I have yet to complete 3/4 of the items on it. My cupboards are still a disaster, and while the fridge it cleaned, the freezer above it is a landslide waiting to happen. So today is laundry, cupboard, and freezer day. Oh and "kiss your man goodbye for a week and a half" day, boo.

Don't Pass the Sp-ork-ghetti.

The speed of life is blinding at times. As a kid I remember how slow things moved, how time seemed to go on forever. The older I get though, the faster things pass by. Why is that? Is it simply that our jobs have multiplied as grown ups, that there is so much more taking up our time? MJB is here for the next day and a half still, and then back to working out of town. I wish I could just slow down time, and really soak up the feeling of having him here, because before I know it he'll be on the road and gone for another 10 days or so.

As much as I love to cook I don't think I am all that good at it. This one time, I made MJB pasta with tomato sauce and ham chunks, he couldn't even get one bite down, he and his friends named it "sp-ork-ghetti", gross I know, but I learned my lesson. I never follow recipes and I think that maybe I should, for a while anyway, to get some of the basics figured out. So this next week and a bit while he is gone I am going try a few recipes. Test them out on myself and the kids, and really wow him when he gets back the next time. I hope!

The power went out yesterday and my kids were dumbfounded. They have no concept of how that can be possible, it was really cute to see the expression on Hunny's face, just genuinely lost. I was kind of excited. I like the simplicity of life without elecricity, we lit some candles, cracked a cold beer, and were about to break out a board game when the power surged back on. We watched TV instead, what can I say, we are creatures of habit, not that it bothered me much, I was just happy to be with my man.

Falling into Autumn.

I am really excited for the change in the weather, at first I was super bummed that the summer was over, but now I am looking forward to comfy boots, hoodies, the crackle of the fireplace, the colors of autumn, cool weather comfort foods, and for things to slow down. Summer is a blast, an all out fun fest, that ends just as quickly as it begins, and in about 4/5 months I'll be begging for the heat...but for now I am into everything that fall will bring.

Friday is here and I love that at 3 o'clock today I get to pause everyday life and just go with the flow, we can get up when we want, do what we want, not do what we don't want...and when Monday comes hopefully feel rested and ready for the week. That's what weekends are to me, and I would be lost without them.

I would like to find a way to bring in some extra cash without having to get a sitter. I have yet to figure anything out, I will not do multi-level marketing, ever. I don't want to do daycare, been there, done that, and it's not for me. I am not trained to do anything that I could do from home. I guess I just wait until MJB is done working out of town and then I can get an evening serving job again, I love serving, and it has a good money to hours ratio.

For now I will just focus on what I can control, find joy in the things I have and can do, instead of dwelling on the things I want. Goals are good, and everything you try for will come to you in time.

Part of a whole.

With MJB away so often for work these days, I am falling into a pattern of doing things my way, and on my own. I am scared that he'll get home for good and we'll have lost that connection that makes us the 2 parts of a whole. Like I'm going to be set in my ways, he'll be set in his, and we'll forget where the middle is. I spent the day cleaning and getting prettied up for MJB, I didn't want him to come home to a mess, I didn't want him to feel like all his hard work away from us, and away from our home was for nothing. Sadly though, he is not coming home tonight. I have to spend 2 more nights alone in bed without him, and I'm heartbroken.

What makes a marriage work, I believe there are 4 key factors. One, you must, have time to be yourself, and for your husband or wife to see you for who you were when you fell in love. That's why couples who have young kids have such a struggle, your "self" is lost for a while.

Two, appreciation for what each of you brings to the table, and the sacrifice you each make to provide it. In our house MJB is the bread winner working a stressful job, 5 days a week (lately more). I on the other hand, am the stay-at-home mom, with my own stresses and hardships, we each have what the other wants, and if the roles were reversed it would be the opposite. Just be aware of how it would feel if life were the other way around and appreciate the fact this is a life you are building together, each half as important as the other.

Three, money, the main reason couples fight. Talk about it weekly, make a budget, expect to blow it, but at least try to have a plan. We are not good with our money, so don't take my advice on finances, I'm just here to tell you that the more you talk about it the better, and if you are united and have the same goals money wise your relationship will not fail over it.

And four, keep life as simple as you can. The more complicated your life, the messier your schedule, the more of the little importances get lost along the way, and in my opinion those little things are the glue that keeps you together.

Confronting my Ghost.

The past two nights I've been dreaming of ghosts. With MJB being away I wake up feeling totally freaked out, I miss having that warm body in bed beside me, it's amazing how safe I feel when I am with him. These dreams have got me rattled a bit, so I looked up on a website what dreaming of ghosts means, and it's a sign that you are repressing something, that you are holding yourself back from moving forward in a more positive direction. I have attributed this to the way I am putting of getting into shape, I owe it to myself, but I am reluctant to try for fear of failing...again. So my ghost is my guilt in a sense, I'm feeling guilty for not trying my hardest.

I hate eating before noon, I literaly have to choke down a meal anytime in the AM. Worst thing for me I know, but it is what it is. Regardless I tried drinking my breakfast this morning in a smoothie. 1/2 a banana, some grated carrot, 1/4 avocado, strawberries, raspberries, honey, vanilla, and a splash of AJ (apple juice). It was pretty darn good. We'll see how that starts my day off... For accountability, and your viewing pleasure, I think I'm going to try to photograph and post my progress, I am very visual, so to have results right before my eyes might help, just as long as I actually see those changes along the way, or I become discouraged and give up. 

The scale is not my best friend, I am going to move it out to the shed today. I will weigh myself again on the 15th of October, Today I weighed 188 lbs.

Also, I did not get much done on my to do list for yesterday, so today I will clean the fridge, pantry, and junk cupboard in the kitchen. That ghost of guilt can kiss my big white butt. I'm gettin' 'er done.

Check your spontaneous side at the door...welcome to parenthood.

So after a quick weekend getaway, and a whole day of "weekend getaway recovery"...it's time to get back on track, tidy the house, clean the car, no drinking, and healthy eating. First things first, wow, how and when did my house become such a disaster, it was just so clean, DRAT! Needless to say, Hunny and I are rocking out to my Ipod and doing housework (after I write this I swear). Right now she is "sweeping" the cat. Thanks for the help baby.

 This weekend instead of the same old, same old I was lucky enough to go to Seattle and watch a Seahawks game. I didn't have anything appropriate to wear to an NFL game, so I borrowed a buddies jersey (his favorite team, the 49ers, and the opposing team of this particular game) there I was wandering around Seattle, in a sea of blue and green, wearing a red San Francisco jersey. I was verbaly abused all day long, and then when the Hawks slaughtered the 49ers on the field I became a walking "call me a loser" sign...and it was so much fun!

I very much miss the ability to be spontaneous, there is almost no chance of last minute plans when you have kids. Thankfully it worked out for me this time, because getting away is a must, even if it's just for a little while. I know a few Moms who never get to do this. I can't imagine never having that chance to just be me. It is so important to remember who you are outside of the house, I think it makes me a better parent.

I haven't got much on my list of to do's for the month done yet, I really need to pull up my tube socks! After today's day of cleaning my plan is to tackle the fridge and the corner "junk" cupboard. I will report on my progress tomorrow. Any one want to place any bets on what actually gets done...

Loud does not equal assertive.

I remember a time when I wanted to be really good at something. A time when my first priority was me. Now my life revolves around one thing, mothering. And I desparately want to be really good at it.  What makes a truly good mother though? Is it based on how how kids view us as a mother, or the opinion of others. I have found the only one who can really convince me I'm a good mom is myself.

Most days I feel like I am doing a good job, and at times I feel inadequate, like I'm failing my kids. Remembering that I am my toughest critic, I tried to look at myself from another point of view, an outside perspective. From the outside I look like I might have it together, like I'm a fun, confident, and in control mother. Even while inside I struggle with my feelings of regret for the way I handled a situation, or how my kids are acting in public, or some of the things that come out of their mouths. Maybe they aren't old enough to watch some of the movies we let them see, is there a better way to dicipline them, and my worst thought of all could it be that my son's temper came from me.

When did my fuse become so short? Why do I always end up yelling at the top of my lungs? Loud does not equal assertive. I must remember that kids will be kids, there is nothing my kids have done that some others haven't done too, and I am not the first or the last mother to feel this way. I need to focus on my positive attributes, I make my kids laugh daily, I provide them with the basics of life, and then some. They know I love them, and I make sure to tell them how great they are every chance I get. I am attempting to raise polite children, there are some manners that should not be lost to the changing times. People always tell us how good our kids are, and that makes me feel better about the job I'm doing.

I am just a woman, learning how to mother as I go, taking things one day at a time, and in the end, if my kids are happy, well adjusted, productive members of society, I will be content.

Worn out Snooze Button.

Well suprise, surprise, I returned the movies yesterday...but my tax return is still in my purse, man I am a chronic slacker aren't I?

Waking up today was awful, I felt like turning the alarm right off and saying eff it, school will be there tomorrow. But I rolled my sorry tush out of bed and got on with it. I am still feeling run down, but I bet in the next day my body will adjust, just in time for sleeping in this weekend. Nice.

My beef for the day is about my kids' school, and the fact they have been in session for 2.5 days already and no one knows who their teacher is or who thier classmates are. When I was of school age we lined up at the door and found our names on a list, we knew our techer before we even entered the building. What happened to that? They say this is less stressful on the kids, just in case they have to do any swapping once they find out final numbers for the year. When I was a kid you just had to roll with the punches, for example, there was 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place in sports, none of this everyone gets a ribbon for trying! We are not doing our kids a favor but sheltering them like this, in the real world everyone is not created equal, you have to work hard to be the best, you have to set goals and learn to deal when you fail. That's life, and in my own opionion, one of the most important lessons children need to learn. Some parents just can't handle it when their kid is not the fastest, smartest, or strongest kid in town. I am comfortable knowing my kids have their place in this world, no matter where on the bell curve they fit. So to the school system of the 21st century I beg you, stop coddling our children, for the sake of their futures.

My Everythings...

Hunny, the littlest, my little. She is a girl 100%, hates bugs, loves make-up already, but she's our Miss Mess Magoo, always into something. One day I'll tell you about the Great Vaseline Fiasco of 2008! She is a ball of energy and a force to be reckoned with. Her sense of humour is amazing, I whole hearted my laugh with her on a daily basis about things other people might not get. She is a great friend, a selfless little helper, and I love her with all my heart. Never change baby girl.

Spaceman. My rascal, a sweet, loving little man. I loved him with all my heart the instant he was born. He's going to be a great man one day and a wonderful boyfriend/husband. He gets into his fair share of trouble, but he always chooses the right direction in the end. Even on a bad day he'll do something or say something that makes my heart melt, and I remember all over again why he is my favorite little boy. And always will be!

Roonie the great. My love for this girl is beyond words. I don't know what we did right in our past lives to deserve a daughter like her. I know I lucked out becoming her Step-mom. She's half way to being a grown up in years, but more mature than most adults I know. A helping hand, a bag of tricks, she's smart, funny, and beautiful, couldn't ask for anything more.

Queen of the Procrastinators.

So today I finished my income taxes, they were due 4 months ago. Woops. They owe me nothing and I owe them nothing, I figured I could let it slide over summer, math makes my brain hurt (and I use a calculator). It's not until they withhold my benefits that I feel the fire under my bum, but the envelope is sealed and the stamp is on, now to get it into the mail box:P Also there are 3 movie rentals I have kicking around here that desparately need to be returned. Thank goodness for no late charges! I must return these today.

It is the first day of full day school for my son, I hope he likes it, otherwise this will be a long year! So I have 9am-2:45pm everyday with ONE child...what will I do with my new found freedom? My TO DO list for September, I'd like to surprise my hubby with painted baseboards and trim by the time he gets back next week. I want to clean out my "junk" cupboards (since when did the one junk drawer grow to 3 junk cupboards?!) I'd also like to get our fence in the back yard stained, but the weather is not co-operating. Shucks eh?

My goal right now is to lose some weight before Halloween, we love to dress up and go out, and I have always wanted to look hot in my costume. If I can manage to lose even 15 lbs by then I'd be happy. MJB is home for sure in October because he's going to school, so I can go for evening runs (fast walks really), and now that Spaceman is in school, Hunny and I can go to my Mom's when she isn't working and I can use her treadmill. Now if I can just control my rampant eating habits I might just reach my goal! Down to 175 lbs. Then I can try for another 15 before Christmas. Maybe if I write about my progress I will hold myself more accountable!

I went and gathered up the movies I need to take back and put them by the door, how much you wanna bet they are still there tomorrow?

School Dazed

So today is the fisrt day of back to school, Spaceman (my 6 year old son) is in Gr.1, and Roonie (9 year old step-daughter) is in Gr. 4, where the heck did the time go? I still have one at home though, so I still feel useful around the house. Hunny (my 4 year old daughter) is begging me for "school", and ballet. So this morning we went to the recreation office and signed her up for a Monday morning 9:30-11 fun class, and ballet. Spaceman is going to try out floor hockey, I decided for him, hope he likes it. I came to the realization today that the kids need to be in organized sports. For the energy outlet, and for the bonds that they will develop in high school through sports. I gave up sports at 12, I danced, but didn't play on any teams at school, and I now regret that. So I will try to send my kids off in that direction...who know's if it'll work? At least I can say I tried.

The kids are only in for 1/2 a day today so we are going for a special first day of school lunch, I already spent $120 on the classes, $130 on clothing for the fall, what's another $30 for lunch? But now it's time to reel in the spending, MJB just got paid on friday, gotta make it last! Speaking of MJB, my hubby, he's working out of town again, 4 hours away, for like the millionth week it seems. I'm either going to end up insane or an alcoholic by the end of his contract there!

The kids walk all over me, not that I don't try to dicipline, they just don't take me seriously enough. If I spank they think I'm mean, if I'm nice they never quit the bad behaviour, time outs always lead to a spank anyway, what is a Mom supposed to do? Drink. That's right I said it. At the end of the day, when the kids are asleep, find a quiet place, do what you love, TV, computer, crafts, whatever. Grab yourself a glass of wine, like me, or if you are not a wino go for a hot cup of tea, or a diet soda, anything, just as long as you soak up that quiet time, remember the feeling of calm...'cause you're going to need it tomorrow.