Dreaming in real-time...

It's that time again, life overhaul round #18, ding ding! I am ready for some realistic and sustainable changes to the everyday. I have been up, down, forward and back over the last 9 or so years, struggling with things like my ever increasing/decreasing and increasing again weight, being a better mother, wife, friend, and finding a happy place in between the life I envision for myself and REAL life.

My dreams right now paint a picture of a woman who treats exercise like brushing her teeth, who can pick up a guitar and play a song beginning, middle and end (and people will know what song it is), a woman who kicks ass and takes names at work, someone whose friends and family feel important and appreciated, a person who hangs her clothes on hangers and never runs out of clean socks, a wife that makes lunches for her husband to take to work and can find the self esteem and energy to feel sexy more often. She reads, writes, walks the dog, and calls her Grandma every week. This woman never goes out of the house in her jogging pants and over sized sweatshirt, because her outside matches her inside, and people know she has got her shit together. The house she lives in is organized and tidy, everything has a place and you know it will be there when you go to find it. Her fridge is stocked with things like kale, hemp hearts and quinoa... and she eats them because she knows that you get out what you put in. BUT....

Real life is dirty and raw. There are sharp edges and unlit corners that come up out of nowhere and best laid plans lie in wait for opportunity and circumstance. I can say I want to play guitar or go running everyday, but in reality I don't have the time or the energy. As much as I love it, real life doesn't always give me the free time and inspiration. I have realized now that when those moments come, you have to go for it. You don't know when the chance or feeling will come again. Alternatively, I also know on the mornings I want to roll out of bed skip the shower, wear joggers and yesterday's make-up, that's okay. There is always tomorrow to look amazing, and after a day without mascara I'll feel even better. I could obsess over a clean and organized house, but I have kids and they eat, sleep, and breathe chaos, so I roll with the punches and pick my battles.  Who doesn't want to eat better, I want my whole family to eat natural healthful food all the time. Reality is, kids like what they like and they will fight to keep the things they don't off their forks. I suppose I could go back in time and try to set a precedent earlier on in their lives. Oh! wait... no I can't. In reality I can only do the best with what's before me. I will celebrate the meals where my kids like the healthy options and sneak wholesome bits and pieces in when and where I can. I wont beat myself up over the few less-than-good-for-you things they do consume. I could just go nuts and overhaul the way we eat completely, but to what end, arguments with miserable kids who feel deprived and put down a shwack of junk when my back is turned. No, the line between reality and that dream lies somewhere between the steamed spinach and the Oreos... and that's okay.

Dreams have a place, they are there to help you aim for the stars and reality is there to keep your feet on the ground, the important thing is being content with landing somewhere in the middle of where your dreams can take you and what daily life will allow. Never lose sight of that amazing future you seek, because like a lantern in the dark, when you need it the most, that's what is going to take you in the right direction, even if its a few degrees up or down, left or right from what you always dreamed.

Flight Terrors

Captain and I are leaving for Panama in less than 2 weeks. I am crappin' in my proverbial pants. We have to take like 3 planes there and 3 planes home. 6 more planes than I ever hope to get on for a vacation. I am a nervous flyer to say the least. I hate it. So I get super drunk and pretend I am on a bus the whole time, window seats are a big eff no for me, because the sight out the window instantly kills the visualization of driving down a bumpy highway. The calm passengers and flight attendants make me feel like a paranoid freak, which I am, while I look like the in-flight drunk, which I am.

The first time I flew I was already a mother of 3, and I think a lot of my fear stems from the thought of orphaning my children. I have even contemplated Captain and I taking different flights. Hoping of course his plane is the one to go down. As much as I love him, if it's gotta be me or him I think he could handle the crash situation with more dignity...

All kidding aside, more than ever I need this getaway, working full time and being a mom is hard as hell, especially when you are semi-single Monday to Friday while your husband works out of town. I don't want to leave my kids, I feel like time with them is limited right now as it is, but I feel drained, heavy, and dull. This week away will put me in a better mind space to be the best Mom I can. My kids are really what it's all about. Schmoo, Mr. Maggo, and Hunny Bear, you are my paradise... All I need is right here at home, zero flights necessary.

Perfecting

You know when "they" say the key to weight loss is making lifestyle changes, and changing the way you look at food. Those bastards are right. There is no magic pill, no potion, or machine. It comes from changing the toxic relationship you have with food, changing your attitude about eating right from calling it a "diet" to really embracing what it means to be healthy. To treat your body with respect and nourish it (Sounds like I eat a lot of granola and wear tie-dyed shirts, but no). I refuse to abuse my body anymore to feed my selfish, unjustified food addicted mind.

I have found success in the most unexpected place...Letting go....

I can FEEL that my mindset is different. Like I have hit a maturity level where I can finally embrace a healthier lifestyle, if that makes any sense to anyone else but me? I really think it is a case of my growing up and accepting that I was sabotaging myself because I was too afraid to fail, or more than anything that the change wouldn't happen as fast as I NEEDED it to. I say needed with such emphasis because I needed to see huge weight loss number on the scale each week to make me want to carry on. Instant gratification or nothing. One bad week, and I would abandon ship, and start the cycle over again... usually on a "Monday". This Shaunna says "EVERY MEAL is a chance for a fresh start", the Monday bullshit is over.

The Captain and I are going away on a sunny vacation in early March, and while this has been my starting motivation, it is not my end goal. My real goal is to learn, experiment, and work my way to a healthy body. Taking baby steps, and embracing the piddly changes for what they are along the way, because those small things are success. In a year from now I hope I can say I did something big and amazing, in March I just hope to look better in a bikini than I would have in January.

I am not dieting, I am merely perfecting.