Taking a Break from my Break...

Wow, where to start? So much has happened since my last blog post, yet nothing that stands out all that much to backtrack and post about. So I s'pose I pick up where I left off... I am still in the ranks of the unemployed, an starting to really cherish the freedom an ease of my days without work or kids... don't tell my husband that....or my kids for that matter, as far as they are concerned I sit at home and wallow in my loneliness until they are one school for the day. I do miss them, and wish I had the opportunity to have them with me whenever the mood strikes, but 6 hours goes by quickly, the noise and mess pick up just where they left off.

I do intend on finding gainful employment in the foreseeable future, just not yet... I am taking a leave of absence from real life! I do realise I just had a 7 years long maternity leave, but I still think I am entitled to this sabbatical. It's more of a recharge and renew my sense of self and who I am outside of motherhood, so I can move forward in a genuine direction instead of going for it blindly. I have been volunteering at the kid's school as much as I can, helping organize the hot lunch program,  being there to help in their classrooms on special days, and meeting some great new people along the way. It feels great to be able to be a part of it all, and my kids really love me being there. It is such a community, and family minded school, and I am proud to help and be a part of that in my own small way.

So here I am, same old, same old, but with a little more clarity and focus (or lack there of) on just what these days ahead are all about... *said in the most selfless way possible* me... and finding out just what the bare bones, deep down inside "me" is capable of...

A Monday Unlike Any Other.

Dear Monday, You have been good to me so far. Thank you for that. I'm not always your biggest fan, but today, I don't mind you. Let's make this a habit, shall we? That is all. Yours Truly, Shaunna

If it's any indication of how my day has started out, I only hit snooze once this morning. I had time to get myself presentable, and it's a funny thing, but feel a lot better about myself going out into the world not looking like a mess. We got to school early so the kids got to play on the playground for 15 minutes before the bell rang at school, which never happens, which is a shame cause they love it.

I forced myself to eat some fruit for a quick breaky this morning, normally the thought of anything but water or coffee passing through these lips before 10:30am makes me wanna hurl. Today I forced a few prune plums down the hatch. Breakfast, (sort of) check. I am going to try and be a rabbit for a few days. Eating a ton of fruits, veggies, and hopefully that's about it. I have an exciting little trip to look forward to on Saturday, and I want to feel light and fresh and healthy going into it. I have been eating completely mindlessly lately, like I am boycotting the healthy lifestyle I want to be living. I had a little "spill" over a ring of rocks (an un-lit fire pit) last weekend (not my shiniest moment ever) and have lost every last bit of one of my toenails. So runners are a no-go, which means the gym is out for a while. That really disappoints me, I have the gym pass, the free time, and deep down, really really deep down, the drive to get in there. Just need this nasty toe to heal up enough to shove into a shoe!

My personal challenges this week:

~Eat a diet made up f 80% fruit and veggies, down at least 2L of water a day, and try to get into the gym 3x, and do the best I can with what I've got.
~Organize my clothes, put the summer stuff away, pull out the fall stuff. (Because, DANG it got cold out fast!)

Oh, the places you'll go...

Today is the official first day of the next chapter of my life. All my kids are in school now. Which leaves me home all alone, no longer a career stay-at-home mom... now I just stay home because I have no where else to go. My life actually feels changed, I can't put my finger on it, but all of a sudden I don't feel like the young Mom I used to be. I know I am still young, but this step forward has pushed me into a new more mature (for lack of a better word) frame of mind. I want to accomplish things, be somebody who does something that makes a difference to strangers. I want to be healthy and fit, to inspire people, just like me, to become the best version of themselves possible. I know I am not operating at my full potential yet, it will be exciting to see what life is like when I do.

Deciding which direction to go in has been really difficult, I have so many ideas and aspirations...maybe I have just had too much time to think about it. All I know is I need a focus, something to work towards, get out of these circles I keep spinning. First things first I am going to make an appointment to speak with someone at the local college, see what my options are, and what I should be doing now to set me up for a few steps down the road. I am frightened by the idea of 2 (or more) years of school, like it's so much time that I don't feel I have, but truth be told, everything I am leaning towards takes a good 2 years of college...or more. Which means by 32 (ish) I will be ready to take on the career life with some education under my belt. Qualifications... what a wonderful concept. I need me some!

Hunny has been amazing during this transition to kindergarten. She just goes, with no reservations, no looking back. Then I'm just standing there feeling sad for myself, but absolutely in awe of her strength and confidence at such an early age. In those moments I know I've done right by her... that now and later in life she's gonna be just fine! Oh, the places she'll go.

 (PS. If you haven't read the book "Oh, the places you'll Go!" by Dr.Seuss...please do, it's my favorite.)

Get Lost, and Find Yourself!

Seeing another week come and go has become a lot less scary than it used to be. A few months ago I found myself obsessing about food, and my physical appearance, and when those weeks would pass without "improvement" I would feel defeated. Recently I have been trying to adopt a new perspective, one that starts from the inside and not the outside. Trying to focus on things that I love and put myself into them whole-heartedly just the way I am.

I hope I am setting a good example for my kids too, ensuring them that life is not about how you look, but who you are. They are gorgeous, fun, and bright little lights, and I never want them to feel like anything but their own personal perfects. I will no longer have a hand in possibly making them second guess their beauty inside or out. I will show them that the two go hand.

I am going away this weekend with a great group of ladies, and while I will miss my babies and my MJB, I am really looking forward to just being Shaunna for a while. Checking my noisy, restless brain at the door and recharging my batteries. So I can come home a better wife and Mama. I think time off is a must for everyone. When you feel burnt out and overwhelmed, remove yourself from the everyday, get back to the basics and just be for a few days. What you miss out on while you are gone, from work or home, you will make up for ten fold coming back feeling refreshed and energized. We become so engrossed in everyday life that we forget a little bit why we do what we do. When I come home to my families faces I am ready to give them my all, and receive all they have to give.

So my advice for today....go get lost, and find yourself!

From some other beginning's end.

My birthday came and went. I still look the same. One month ago I was hoping to look in the mirror and see a new and improved exterior. What I found when I looked was just me, shabby, pudgy, plain old me. I was so disappointed and ashamed. What I failed to see, or even care to look for at the time is the changes I have made on the inside. This journey as been such a roller coaster, as these things usually are. In the end though, I feel better about myself. Knowing that in the end all that really matters is being genuine, and finding happiness in the moment.

I am overweight, and I feel less than healthy on any given day. My muscles feel weak, and my insides are always aching. This is a result of years of bad habits, eating poorly and loafing around the house. This is not how I want to feel physically. I have been making small changes, adopting better habits, and they have helped me keep the few pounds I managed to lose previously off. THAT IS SOMETHING, and I am proud.

As the kids summer vacation's end, brings with it the school year, and not just any school year, but the year my youngest starts kindergarden, my life will change from stay-at-home Mom to working Mom, I am nervous (scared shit less actually) and excited. I hope to start this new chapter with a changed outlook and a renewed sense of self pride, not for how I look, but for who I am, and what I mean to my husband, children, family and friends, and above all to myself. Feeling healthy and getting into shape will hopefully be a side effect of being truly happy on the inside.

If Birthdays Wore Socks...

While the results aren't astonishingly apparent, I feel good about my newest photo. The two were taken 6 months apart, but I have not been legitimately trying this whole time, and the dreaded Christmas holiday bulked me up even further weight wise, both photos I weigh about the same, 183ish. In the last month I have lost about 8 lbs. I wanted to lose at least 10, so that just shows me how truly hard this undertaking is, and how I need to be a little more disciplined as I go forward.

My measurements are a positive motivation for sure. I used my ribbons to see how much I've lost since April 4th. Officially I am down 10.9 inches over all! This is proudly displayed on my refrigerator! The ribbon pieces (over top of the green lines) are the bits I got to cut off this month. 3.3 cm around the "girls", 3.4 cm down around my waist, and 4.2 cm of these child bearing hips! This does feel good, and I hope the next month of downsizing produces similar results!

I am still struggling with food addiction, and will power when it comes to un-healthy portions. I probably always will. Day by day though, I feel myself growing stronger, and I KNOW I can do this. I am just incredibly impatient! These small results do help keep me satisfied for now, but when my 29th birthday shows up at my doorstep I hope I knock it's socks off. That is...if birthdays had feet.

Weekly Words to Live By:

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward. -Victor Kiam

Cleaning the Slate.

I had a little slip this past week with Easter and all, but I am back on the wagon and buckling in for the ride. I really need to live and breathe this new lifestyle if I expect to have decent results by my 29th (gulp) birthday. I missed a few days of the gym last week, but hope to make up for it this week with super healthy clean eating, and an extra day of the gym.

Life around the house is peacefully uneventful. Spaceman has made leaps and bounds in the attitude department, and the more good days we have the more effortless it becomes. I have been trying to spring clean, though the weather seems to be unsure of Springs arrival, my internal clock is screaming for household organization. When the house is organized, my mind is quieter. I spent the entirety of yesterday morning organizing Hunny's room, throwing out all the junk, broken toys, and garbage she has so sweetly accumulated. She just loves to fill empty space with "stuff", purses, containers, pockets, corners, like a cute and less hairy pack rat.

I am constantly thinking of what to do in September when my house is kid free for the better part of  the day. I toss and turn at night wondering how I will make it all work. I try to tell myself (and believe it), that things will all come together. Unfortunately a job will not just be sitting there waiting for me to be ready for it. I have to make it happen. For now I am concentrating on this summer with my kids, because it may be the last one I have off with them, once I get through that I will go into career mode. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. The thing that has defined me for the last 7 years is being a stay-at-home Momma. When I am not that woman anymore.....who will I be?

Weekly Words to Live By:

Success is falling nine times and getting up ten.

-Jon Bon Jovi

A Perfect Reflection Starts on the Inside.

Weeks 1, 2, and 3 down, I'm starting into week 4. I can feel the high of being active, and eating better. If only I could bottle this feeling and stockpile it for when the lull in motivation comes, and I know it will. I have lost 5 lbs officially (yay!), it has taken 3 weeks which the old Shaunna would find discouraging, but the new me knows that's a decent loss for this stage in the game, and the slower it comes off the more likely it stays off. I do feel that now that I have a few workouts under my belt it might be time to step it up in the healthy eating department. After all weight loss is all based on calories in and calories out.

Like I said I feel great, and I can see the reflection it is leaving on the other aspects of my life. I feel like a better person. Well the same person, with major upgrades! I feel a little sad that it has taken me this long to try this hard, kind of mourning the time I would have had to feel great in my body. That being said, there is no way to go back. Forward is the only direction, so on I go, shutting those negative thoughts off the best I can.

I took measurements of my chest, waist, and hips, with ribbon (and cut them to my exact size). Once a month I am going to re-measure and cut off the bits I've lost, I will tape those bits to my fridge and use them as motivation... A visual reminder of my progress. This along with my crazy daily weigh in's (torture I know! but I can't help it), and photo updates should be enough to keep the fire under both of my asses! ;P

Weekly words to live by:
The things we hate about ourselves aren't more real than things we like about ourselves.  ~Ellen Goodman

A little Get Up and Go(ji)!

Bad news is I have given my belly fat a name (HERBERT....cause Herbert likes sherbert!). Don't they say if you find a stray pet and give it a name you are doomed to keep it? Well hopefully not, because this "pet" is not a welcome guest. Herbert this is you're eviction notice!

MJB and I had a fun date night on Friday, at the Fest of Ale, which was definitely damaging to my weight loss progress, but was amazing for my relationship with my husband. It has been a long time since we had a night out together, without kids (over night might I add), it just felt really good to reconnect on a husband and wife level.

With two weeks of Gymin' it under my belt, I feel the pride kicking in. The fact that I am finally doing something about Herbert (and his chubby friends that like to hang out around my extremities) makes me feel better about myself already, even though no obvious physical changes have taken place. That's the key right there, just taking ownership of my flaws, and holding myself responsible (says the girl who drank her weight in beer on Friday, oops) for my actions. I will try my hardest not to get discouraged, and my best to eat healthy (with an innocent cheat here and there for my sanity's sake).

My brother in law is big into his health (a granola muncher if you will), he's always getting us to try new things, and these days it's 4 new items he swears by, dried Goji berries, chia seed, buckwheat, and golden flax. He soaks them in water at night for his morning bowl of oatmeal. I mixed them in into my smoothie, that I reluctantly drank this morning because I was far from hungry. I did a little research on each of these little gems, and apparently eating them will do me wonders (just so long as I don't turn into a full on granola muncher).

I intend to do a photo update on May 1st, and hopefully we see a little less of Herbert, and a little more Shaunna!

Weekly Words to live by:

Success is sweet, the sweeter if long delayed and attained through maulfold struggles and defeats. -A. Bronson Alcott

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action!

Well I am doing some of that exercise stuff. It's a strange new world I have yet to fully explore but so far it feels like a place I might come to truly enjoy. Week 1 down, 31 weeks to go. Wow, when I look at it like that it seems a little on the overwhelming side. So Week 1 down, week 2 here I come. I am really going to try and just make this gym thing a part of my life. The only problem I need to work on is my post work out ravenousness (I had to see if this was indeed a word, and sure enough it is). I could eat a horse and it's baby after working out. I am trying to go four days a week (at least 3 no exceptions), 30-40 min of cardio and 20-30 minutes of weights. Hopefully if I keep this routine up, curb my "snacking", and watch the intake of "libations", by summer I might be able to wear a bathing suit and not feel crappy about it! I turn 29 on July 11th, and I am determined to be comfortable with my body by then, and to spend my last year being a twenty-something year old, proud of how I look. Not embarrassed like I have been, for far too long.

I can feel my life shaping up to how I imagined it would be by now. All the pieces are coming together. With Hunny going to school in September I am able to get a Mon-Fri job and I can not express how good it's going to feel to have a career, a real pay cheque, and something outside the house I can be proud of. A dual income is going to take MJB and I into a much easier time financially, we often find ourselves spread too thin, so it will be very nice not to worry so much about money. Now I have to get into the mindset of finding that career path, and following through. Sticking to something (what a concept!).

I feel excited for things to come, and also a little tentative. Like maybe things won't work out the way I see them, and then I'll be right where I am now. But those are my fears and insecurities talking, and I am strong enough to overcome them, remain positive and stay motivated. One day at a time.

Quote of the day: "I failed my way to success." -Thomas Edison

The Beginning is the Only Place to Start.

Spaceman has been a bit off lately, saying he doesn't like himself. Saying he's a bad kid, and it is breaking my heart. I feel so responsible for his happiness. When he talks like that I feel as though I have failed him. I want nothing more than for him to feel secure, proud, and loved. I look back now and see times when I should have adjusted my parenting style to suit his personality a little more, times when I should have really taken the time and put in the effort to help him overcome his fears, give him tools to express his feelings better. I know all along I have provided him with love, but I also know there were times when my patience had run out, and I reacted before thinking. Sending him to his room, giving a time out or taking away a beloved item, or privilege without getting to the root of the problem. So it's time to back peddle a bit, and arm him with the necessary tools to get through those times when he feels less than perfect. I have to really get in there now, and make up for lost time. I just want to see those dimples all the time, and for that he's gotta be smiling. So that is my mission these days, make Spaceman smile as much as I can.

I have been keeping a food journal, and it's been a great tool so far, I eat so mindlessly sometimes, so this way I am accountable for everything I consume (well I left out a few days over the weekend...I take no responsibility for those days). I wish I could say I have been keeping track of exercise too, but I have been found lacking (doing nothing) in that department. I would love for the weather to take a turn for the warm, because I have this tiny little spark in the back of my mind that I want to get out there and walk/jog/run to my favorite songs. I want to breathe in that fresh air, feel the burn in my calves, my heart pounding in my chest. Apparently not bad enough to get out there. Using the cold as an excuse, and when it warms up...it will be something else. I guess I just need to bite the bullet, force myself to get out there, and let the results motivate me to continue.

I am constantly shocked by responses to my blog, I feel really humbled by the fact my words resonate with so many other women, it is so emotionally freeing knowing I am not alone. A fact I knew before, but never really felt on a personal level. I took some time off of writing for a while, unintentionally, and now that I am back I feel more motivated than ever to make these words really come to life. Here goes nothing...

Quote of the day:

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.
Robert Collier

A Labour of (self)Love.

The time has come again for another burst of ambition and motivation. If I could just bottle this feeling so that I'd never run out, I might just get somewhere on this journey of weight loss, and life changes. I have been on this hellish roller coaster for far too long, I want to get the heck off this thing!

I feel guilty for letting myself down time and time again, and the bitch of it all it having written documentation of my failure. Then again at least I can't ignore my past, I have to look it in the face, say that was then, and this is now.

The winter blues have definitely set in, I am anxiously awaiting the warm spring and summer days to come. I also feel the terror of how time flies... I am running out of baggy sweater days! I can not wait for the beach and camping, BBQ's and parties, but I just want to spend those amazing moments feeling above all things, comfortable in my own skin.

Quote of the day:

The best way out is always through.
Robert Frost

To the Tune of a Different Song.

With the new year upon us, I feel the pressure to make a resolution. Sadly my resolution year after year has been the same thing, to lose weight, and every year I fail, and even worse have gained 20 lbs in the past 4 years of "trying" to lose. So I have failed, miserably.  Obviously everything I have tried in the past is not working for me. I set unrealistic goals, and am extremely hard on myself when I fail. Now what?

I have not made any significant strides since the 1st towards my desired lifestyle, to be honest, my mind, and body are still on holiday, and I don't know how to come back to reality. Starting tomorrow my goal is to get up at 7am every morning, shower and have coffee before the kids get up, and that's it for now. Nothing to do with diet or exercise. There is a life I can see for myself, and I desire it more than anything right now. Trouble is I don't know how to get there, or if I will even like it when I do. Only thing I can do is try, and modify my goals along the way. Maybe most importantly though, taken on sound advice from friends and family, I need to love myself now. To see myself for the positive, not scold myself for my failures. They are tired of hearing it, and I am beyond exhausted of repeating myself.

"I was in the darkness, so the darkness I became." (from Cosmic Love, by Florence and the Machine), this song represents my relationship with myself more than I can say. I am angry at myself for letting it get this bad, for trying to find other sources of my unhappiness, when all I needed to do was look inside and listen to myself. So my resolution for 2011, is to change my personal theme song.

Happy New Year all, thanks for reading.

~Shaunna